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Living the Wally Lifestyle
Cal Booster Fail
I think Dr Pepper and Pepsi were trying to do a pro-Cal display for the upcoming UC-Stanford game.
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Forget the Staycation, try a steak-cation
A few friends of mine are talking about going on a staycation. This brings to mind flying around the world to special steakhouses to try rib-eyes and other steak goodness.
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Breaking Bad - My Proposal
Breaking Bad starts Season Four starts tomorrow. I am a big fan of this show. I think it's one of the best shows on TV. But I have a few suggestions.
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End the Hate
This weekend is Pride Weekend for many cities across the United States and we'd like to take this time to preach a little about ending hate.
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Arboreal Salamander
I finally figured out who is stealing my snails!
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The Definition of Fun
I went to the Turlock Swap Meet in Turlock California where I ran across the definition of fun.
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This Drink Is Protected From Roofies
I asked this woman why she put a napkin over her drink when she leaves her seat at the bar. She said, "so nobody puts a roofie in it." I had no idea napkins have anti-roofie powers!
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My Paper Shredder Delimma
I'm trying to buy a new paper shredder and I keep coming up with the same problem!
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Wood Stove Explodes
Golly, I have no idea how this happened.
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Five Pounds of Sodium Metal in Water
As some may know, sodium metal reacts violently with water. An ounce of sodium tossed into a pond makes for a very big bang.
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IKEA Sells a Product Called PRODUKT
Whisky Tango Foxtrot?
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How to Make Coffee in Under a Minute
Using a Moka Pot and a blow torch, I make excellent coffee on a camping trip!
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Burning Twenties with a Jacobs Ladder
Recently I built a 12,000 volt Jacob's Ladder for a party at my house. Once you build one, what do you do with it?
Why take it to a bar and play with it, of course.
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Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween Everybody!
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Christian orthodox priests baptize pilgrim
Hey could someone at Yahoo please sync up the photo of the day? I don't think this marmot is a priest or a pilgrim.
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Wal-Mart Threatens to Take Humor Site Off-line
The man who brought you the Cat with the Tin Foil hat has found the tin foil hat may be needed after all. It seems that retail giant Wal-Mart doesn't have a sense of humor.
At all.
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The Real Peter Griffin
It turns out Wally looks like a celebrity.
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Thriller Pumpkin
For Halloween this year, I decided to honor one of our fallen heroes, Michael Jackson.
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Don't Shower with Kitty
Don't shower with the kitty. The kitty doesn't like that.
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The Perfect Wedding Photo
To me, this is the perfect wedding photo.
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Myth Hackers: The rest of the story
Adobe has released a video called Myth Hackers to dispute the notion the iPhone does not run Adobe Flash. Now I can tell you the rest of the story.
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Ten Books Over $10,000 on Amazon
One day I ran across a book on Amazon on How to make your own Meth. At first I was amazed that such a book would be available at all, but I guess it is a free country, so technically it can be published. I thought it might be a rather quirky addition to my cookbook collection and get a laugh from anyone perusing my book collection, so I went to click the BUY IT NOW button and I was rather shocked to see the book sold for $995.00.
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Sand by the Ton Preview
There is a giant party in Oakland this weekend and I have some advance photos of some of the fun.
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Playa Weather Report
I have just returned from the Black Rock Desert with a full report on Playa Conditions.
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What to do when your iPhone Crashes
Face it, it's inevitable. Your iPhone is going to crash. Mine just did in a big way.
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2009 Big Wheel Races
On Saturday I finally participated in the East Bay Rats Big Wheel Races.
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100 Foot Snake Recorded in Borneo!
Two photos have recently surfaced showing the legendary 100-Foot Borneo Monster.
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Chinese New Year 2009
There are few cultural events which are as much fun as Chinese New Year.
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Girl on Girl Boxing!
One of the best parties I have been to features amateur boxing.
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Rocket Test #2 - Fail
This is why you should always test rocket engine designs before you use them. Someone could be seriously hurt.
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Goodbye WaMu - Time for Another Bank
I just spent an hour on the phone with WaMu and the only way to describe the way I feel is violated.
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Fire Art Festival at Seattle Center
I had the pleasure of seeing the delayed Seattle Center Winter Solstice Fire Art Festival.
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Macworld Sucked
I like the event. Generally I hope to walk the floor and discover some things that I will find useful on my professional side. Apple is supposed to be young and hip. Apparently, Tuesday was Geriatric day at Moscone Center. There was nothing but wall-to-wall old people who were old enough to be my grandparents.
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Pyro shell hits Pyro Boy
Sometime the shell strikes back!
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Cruising on the White Holly
When I was a much younger lad I used to help decorate boats for
Christmas Parades. I know we never considered doing anything like what
we did last night.
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Little Drummer Boy Game
My friends and I have started the 2008 version of The Little Drummer Boy Game.
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Please accept this spider as payment
Sometimes you run across a payment method that seems like a perfect solution, especially when you're short on cash.
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Drinking Liquid Nitrogen
Saturday night I had a ball playing with Nathan Arnold and drinking liquid nitrogen.
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Inside a cash machine
Have you ever wondered what it looks like inside a cash machine?
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Despite all her rage, she is still just a squirrel in a cage
I finally caught the squirrel that has been devastating my yard! She's trapped in a Have a Heart Trap and boy is she is pissed off!
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72 Hour Emergency Banking Kit
In California, we see a lot of billboards to remind people to create a 72 Hour kit in case a disaster strikes. The kit is supposed to contain enough food, water & supplies so that you and your family could survive for 72 hours and be self-sufficient.
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John McCain: Lies, Lies and More Lies
What ever happened to running an honest campaign? Remember when this was going to be a reformed election without the partisan attacks of the past? Yeah, neither do I. A little expose on some of the lies coming from McCain commercials. Spread this far and wide.
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Burning Man 2008
To construction guys and real estate developers, the American Dream is to build a skyscraper in five days.
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Crude Awakening
In 2007 I had the pleasure of working with Dan das Mann, Karen Cusolito, Jack Schroll and Jeremy Travis on the biggest fire art project in the history of Burning Man. It was called Crude Awakening.
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Oakland A's Fireworks Finale
I was doing fire watch, so I watched the fireworks from the Oakland A's game right under the shells as they were breaking.
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New Tesla Roadster
I finally saw the new Tesla Roadster in person.
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San Francisco Victory Siren
Every Tuesday at Noon, 65 air raid sirens go off in San Francisco for 15 seconds.
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Oakland Smoke Machine
This is one of the greatest toys I have ever seen. A smoke generator is a smoke machine designed for military use.
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Two full platters and a barbecue
A photo of Todd Evans grilling in my yard.
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The Inside a Cash Machine
A Planet Wally Exclusive! We bring you photos of what it looks like inside an ATM cash machine!
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Go See Wall•E
I got to see Pixar's latest animated film, WALL•E last night.
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Oakland Victory Siren
I am happy to report that www.oaklandvictorysiren.com is now up and running!
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My Good Deed for the Day
This morning I went to use the cash machine in lovely Downtown San
Francisco and the woman in front of me left her card in the machine.
Drinks are on me.
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How to Trap a Feral Cat Using a Tomahawk Deluxe Transfer Trap
These are directions on how to properly set up a Tomahawk Deluxe Transfer Trap.
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How To Properly Kill a Mouse
The following might disturb some people, so please, read no further if the idea of little mousies meeting a dark end to their lives. But this is a sure-fire way to kill a mouse. I am doing this for a friend.
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Phil Teller threatens to sue me
Phil Teller is at it again. This time Phil is making more threats to sue me for making a post about an interaction we had earlier this year.
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Phil Teller Makes Threats
I just had another run-in with Phil Teller. He's a home remodeler and art car enthusiast from Redmond, Washington. He used to be on the Redmond Arts Council and you would think that experience might have lead him to be fair and work to solve problems, but the e-mail I got today indicates otherwise. It seems he found an earlier post I wrote about dealing with him back in March. Instead of sending me an apology or money to pay for the towing bill, Phil sent this instead:
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Quit Ripping Me off!
An open letter to the lying scumbags at icanhascheezburger.com.
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Chinese Shills in San Francisco
Today I walked the route the route the Olympic torch was supposed to follow in San Francisco.
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Saving Pyro Boy
It seems Pyro Boy is becoming a minor celebrity stemming from a simple bit of trivia regarding Wikipedia. Recently, author John Broughton wrote an interesting book about Wikipedia called, Wikipedia: The Missing Manual. .
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I have taken up smoking
I have finally decided that now is the time for me to take up smoking.
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The Zombie White Jesus
For those of you non-Christians, today is Easter. This is a special holiday for Christians, although I doubt most of them could really tell you what the day is about.
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Phil Teller is a liar
On Saturday, March 8, 2008, Phil Teller called me to discuss a trailer in his backyard.
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Soy is Murder
This is a great bumper sticker I ran across a few days ago:
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Sorry, I was drunk
"Um, look, I'm sorry, I'm really drunk right now."
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Priscilla Ceballos, You are not a winner
Club Libby Lu is a Chicago-based store that sells clothes, accessories and games intended for young girls. It knows what the customers want and right now they want Hannah Montana.
So they came up with a great promotion. Club Libby Lu sponsored the "Hannah Montana Rock Your Holidays Essay Contest" where the winner would receive four tickets to a Hannah Montana concert. The winner was Alexis Menjivar from Garland, Texas who had a hard-to-beat opening line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq."
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Alien versus Predator: Publicity Photos
The reviews on the new movie, Alien versus Predator: Requiem are mixed, but after seeing the publicity photos, it looks like the movie is pretty scary.
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Why Are cell phone so expensive in the US?
After my trip to London last year, I found the easiest way to keep in contact with people is with a cell phone. Unfortunately for Americans, our cell phones do not work well in Europe. Not only are they the wrong MHz, but I found it was cheaper and easier to buy another cell phone and use a European data plan. It's far cheaper and easier than trying to get an American carrier to support your phone in Europe. Voice Mail doesn't work well and since you are out of your primary calling area, the rates are terrible.
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Can you spell on a awning yet? Good.
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Bonfire Image of Pope John Paul
Many believe this Bonfire image is a fiery manifestation of the late
Pope John Paul.
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Elitist Animal Rights Activists Suck!
Recently some well meaning friends berated me in an attempt to get me to save some beagles destined for the meat pile.
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First Trip of Topsy Turvy
I spent a pleasant afternoon helping some friends get a new art car ready for it's maiden voyage. Topsy Turvy is an art car built by Tom Kennedy and a host of other people. It is a school bus with another school bus welded on top.
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Sneaker Sex Party
I ran across this ad in Paris for a sneaker sex party.
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Bling Water
I ran across these bottles in a fance grocery store in Paris.
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The French Love Joe Rogan!
They need to work on the spelling.
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Abbey Road
A few select shots from Abbey Road.
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CrushLab: The Most Painfully Boring Thing I have Done In Years
A few friends of mine had what seemed to be a great idea for a Friday night. We were going to go to Crush Lab, a new type of activity for singles. I have to say the description sounded really fun. "How often do we set aside specific time to flirt?" Not enough time, I thought. Imagine, an evening for flirtatious fun that might lead to something, but more important, it sounds like an evening full of interesting conversation.
My god, I was painfully wrong about CrushLab.
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Casino Royale with cheese
I was walking past the Neptune Theater in Seattle where the marquee was advertising the new James Bond movie, "Casino Royale" with cheese.
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The Cat in the Tin Foil Hat
No amount of kitty treats can make up for doing this photo earlier today:
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The Worst Music Album Promo Ever
One of the saddest realities of the music business is that there are some unbelievably talented people out there who never get their due. For every Ashlee simpson who is out on the airwaves stinking shit up and dumbing down music, there are a 1,000 people who have interesting lyrics, amazing vocals who never go anywhere.
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NASCAR Hot Dogs
Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls of all ages, NASCAR has brought you high octane entertainment for decades. I am sure you have personally been thrilled by an exciting race between top drivers like Ricky Bobby, Cal Naughton, Jr. Darrell Waltrip or even Dale Earnhardt Jr. battling it out for supremacy at a race like the Talladega 500.
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Sweet Love
For the last year, I have been haunted by Anita Baker.
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Egyptian Trash
If there is such a thing as a white trash house, then I think I found the Egyptian equivalent.
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The Pot Lolly Warehouse
On March 17, 2006, FBI agents raided a warehouse in Emeryville, California (Oakland) which was making marijuana candy.
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Steve Wozniak Gets Soaked
I was at the Maker Faire in San Mateo on Sunday when I ran across Steve Wozniak sitting in a dunk tank for the Electronic Freedom Foundation. The idea was simple, pay some money, throw a ball and get a chance to soak Steve Wozniak with water.
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Call Before You Dig
This bulldozer operator is having a bad day.
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Stabbing the cat with a fork
Munchkin the Cat would no't get out of my seat. He tried to bite me when I moved him, so I grabbed a fork to stab at him until he moves.
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Prank the One You Love
I know this seems self-serving, but I am encouraging people to pull a prank this April Fools Day.
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WARNING: DO NOT FLUSH PICKLES
This is a news alert.
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Roomba: The New Way to Torture Dogs
Who would have thought torturing your dog and cleaning your floors with a vacuum could get any more fun? It can and that fun my friends is called, Roomba.
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My rant against Apple Computer
My power adapter just failed on my iBook G4.
This has really pissed me off because I am stuck with paying $85.00 to replace a product I know is going to fail again. It failed rather suddenly in the exact same spot a good portion of my other Apple PowerBook power adapters have failed. They either fail where the adapter plugs into the computer or at the base of the adapter.
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Drinking with Dirty Sanchez
I went drinking with Prichard and Pancho over the last few nights. The Pain Men from Dirty Sanchez are not to be taken lightly.
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The Pain Men
In the US we have Johnny Knoxville and Jackass, a TV show where people try almost any stupid stunt, usually with a bad outcome. In the UK, they have Dirty Sanchez, also known as the Sanchez Brothers in the US. In the UK, Dirty Sanchez is known as the low-rent version of Jackass. They are guys from Wales that will try just about anything--and the UK loves to watch them.
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Jack the Ripper Tour
After a busy day at Pinewood Studios, I decided that even though I was tired I would rush off to London to do a walking tour of Jack The Ripper that our group was taking.
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My visit to Kimbolton Fireworks
Today I went to visit Kimbolton Fireworks in London to pick up fireworks for my show. It was the most amazing experience I have had in the pyro world.
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Doug Stanhope in UK GQ
These are photos from an article written about Doug Stanhope in the UK version of GQ Magazine.
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Pyro Boy Live On Upcoming UK TV Show
Now it can be told. Wally Glenn, aka Pyro Boy will be live on Channel 4 UK performing for an TV special! I am very thrilled by all of this.
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24 days of rain
Ladies and gentleman, I am here to announce I have been in the rain for more than 24 days straight, up and down the West Coast. I am talking heavy torrential rain with no sun breaks for 24 days in a row.
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Another Anti-Gay Homosexual Gets Outed
I am starting to believe that anyone who crusades against gay people or gay rights is in reality a closeted, self-loathing homosexual. It doesn't make sense to me, but it seems that every time we see a person who campaigns against gay rights turns out to be gay.
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Pyro Boy Featured in Latest Ripley's Book!
I just found out that I am in the latest book by Ripley's Believe It or Not! featuring my performance of Pyro Boy.
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Back up your files...now
Hello Campers!
I would like to remind you to back up your computer files. Now.
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My friends are weirder than yours
My friends are not only weirder than yours, we have way more fun.
That is unless you happen to be a friend of mine, then you are right now laughing in agreement. Here is an example of what I am talking about:
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Why I Hate Christmas Music
I'm sure the fact that I hate Christmas music is not a shock to anyone who has spent any time with me or read over just about anything I have written.
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Canada has Crack Standards
I was listening to my favorite Canadian radio show, "As It Happens" and heard a news story about a man who was arrested for selling garlic cloves as crack cocaine. The woman who bought the bogus crack complained to the Police and the police arrested the man under the charge of trafficking.
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El Kabong
Lately I have been thinking of El Kabong, one of the tried and true heros of the wild West.
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Making Money on Evil Pranks
I just made money on someone else misery!
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The MySpace Personals
Cruising the personals on MySpace.com is a painful experience. It's not something you should do if you are actually looking for someone to date.
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Embarrassing Testimonials for Enzara
Occasionally, I run across some pages that come up linked to my site that simply defy explanation. I look at the pages and I wonder who in their right mind came up with the concept? It's one of those things that seem wrong, wrong wrong no matter how you try to justify it.
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Happy Halloween
Today I had to fly on a plane. I love planes, but I really hate airports. I used to love airports and flying, but that was before security companies figured out they could make a bundle by humiliating us by standing in line after line and confiscating dangerous items like nail files, butane lighters and 9 mm pistols.
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The $8,000.00 Cat
Today I spent an afternoon in San Francisco socializing with my friend Brigitte and her $8,000.00 cat. That's right, one cat which you can purchase for the price of $8,000.00.
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Planet Wally Really Needs Your Help!
Ladies and Gentleman, I come to you to ask for a favor.
I know many of you come here to this Web site for a little inspiration for a prank or for a chance to unwind and get away from your problems. Tens of thousands of people visit this site every day and I appreciate it. I am hoping I can inject a little reality on you in hopes you might find it in your heart to help people devastated by Hurricane Katrina.
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New Phone Number Blues
A friend of mine recently picked out the perfect phone number. He wanted one that spelled out a message like FIRE-GUY (which would really be FIR EGUY) and lucky for him, the number was available. So he snatched it up, paid the extra fee and now has the perfect phone number.
Or so he thought.
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Those Poor Boy Scouts
It's Scouting time once again. The time of the year the Boy Scouts send little boys around their neighborhoods to sell quite possibly the worst candy in existence.
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Malcolm in the Middle at Burning Man
The cast of Malcolm in the Middle went to Burning Man for their season opener. Once again, the truth is weirder than the fiction.
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The Dicky Box
For several years, Dicky has been going to Burning Man and he always claims the event sucks. Of course, Dicky's friends have told him if he actually left his camp and checked out the event, he might have a better time.
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Pink Floyd Concert, 1988
This story may or may not have happened. Even though the statute of limitations has expired, I'm still denying that anything like this could have happened at a Pink Floyd concert in 1988.
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Someone has been sleeping on my couch
I rolled into my house after being on the road for a month. Most of that time I was in the desert out of cell phone range at Burning Man. I just drove up from Oakland. I was tired, I was dirty and I wanted to relax and watch a few episodes of the Jon Stewart show waiting for me on the Tivo.
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Yay! I'm going to be rich! Again!
It seems a very rich man named Mr. Glenn died in the UK and now I am the only living relative left. Too bad Glenn isn't my family name.
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My own personal oil spill
Or: How I discovered a great excuse for calling in sick to work
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The joke that is the joke inside the Movie, "The Aristocrats"
Last night I finally saw, "The Aristocrats", a documentary about the dirtiest joke of them all.
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Christian TV
I was sitting in a waiting room recently and the TV was stuck on one of those Christian TV networks. There was no remote control and the volume was just loud enough that you could not easily ignore it.
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Biplanes: The worst way to travel
Lately I have been wondering what ever happened to the biplane?
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Daily Affirmations
Wally's own Daily Affirmations he would like to pass on to you.
If I speak to people calmly and clearly, I can articulate my position -- especially if they can see the safety is off.
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Happy Canada Day
Today is Canada Day.
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The Jedi Attorney
Recently I was driving along minding my own business when I ran across the Jedi Attorney. Thank goodness it wasn't in court, it was on the mean streets of Seattle.
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Dave Chappelle in the Loony Bin?
There have been all sorts of news reports that Dave Chappelle, host of the very funny Dave Chappelle show, checked into a psychiatric facility in South Africa.
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I LOVE This Personal Ad
I ran across this personal ad on Craigslist. The ad has expired, but I just found it to be so funny I had to post it. It's from a woman looking for a vegan boy who likes to hunt.
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Tattoo Blues
What is it with women in my age group with tattoos on their lower back? It seems like every woman I've dated, met, whored around with is sporting a large tattoo.
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Mr. Good Samaritan
This is a true story about how I did someone a huge favor — I saved their life. The person did not thank me, in fact, you could say she did just the opposite.
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Yay, I'm Gonna Be Rich!
So I am pumping gas at a supermarket gas station thing. I pay for the gas, I go to pump and out of nowhere the 50 year old female attendant comes up to me and says, "Hey, would you be interested in making some money on the side?"
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Planet Wally Pranks a Right-Wing Blog
This high and mighty right wing blog linked to an image on my Web site. I have bandwidth to spare, so I do not always care about things like that. But these fucks were going after Liberals, being being complete jerks and well, just plain old creepy.
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Ghetto BBQ
In my extended group of friends we like to cook. We have a few people that are well known as being masters of the barbecue. Give them coals, a barbecue and something to grill and magic seems to happen. And since alcohol is usually involved, some bragging has happened over the years. Three people have emerged as the best known when it comes to grilling; Pope with chicken, Wally with salmon and Bruce with pork.
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Help Wally With A Survey
Do you use drugs or do illegal consensual activities? Wally has a strange interest in this subject and he has created an anonymous survey which he is asking people to fill out. Help us out and take the survey.
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Working at Arby's
How does one end up working for Arby's?
Or for that matter Dairy Queen, KFC, Der Weinerschnitzel or a half dozen other of the smaller fast food chains that dot across the United States. Each one has employees, each operation seems to feature less than ideal working conditions.
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Republicans Don't Compost
Saturday I spent the afternoon working with the Seattle Tilth Association. This non-profit group works to promote organic gardening in an urban setting. This was an annual event they host along with Seattle Public Utilities to distribute yard waste compost bins and food compost bins. We had literally thousands of yard waste bins set up in a parking lot for literally, thousands of people in Seattle who came to pick up yard waste bins for their homes to use for composting.
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I got fired as a customer from Bank Of America
It seems I was just fired from my bank. It seems that in the world of customer service, sometimes if you get fucked over by the bank, they try to make it all better by making you go away.
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I want Terri Schiavo to live.
I have decided that I want Terri Schiavo to live. Every day she stays alive will drive the "pro-life" Christians into a frenzy. A month from now, I want Terri to still be hanging on giving these Christians hope. Then about two months from now, I want her eyes to snap open and to be awake. I want the Hospice to call her husband and have him rush over to the bedside and look in horror. Despite his best efforts, Terri is alive!
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What The Heck Did I Do?
I was looking for someone's name in google and ran across the google groups thing where all of the posts I ever made and many of you ever made in newsgroups has been archived.
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The grave of Bruce Lee
Recently I took care of some unfinished business. I visited the grave of Bruce Lee.
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The ultimate Star Wars fan
Today I visited the Star Wars super-fan Jeff Twieden.
Sometimes when you read the paper or a news Web site, you'll see a story about a guy that seems just a little bit different. Generally the article makes fun of the person and you the reader will have a tendency to laugh at the person or agree with the article without ever getting to know the person. I do the same thing.
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Back it up, pilgrim
How many times in 2004 did you see an e-mail message with a subject line like, "Help, Computer Crash! -- help recover data!"
Come on, how many times?
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Mac restart rumor prank
So I was helping someone with a Mac that was running Mac OS 9 and OS X and crashing on restart. They wanted to find a way to force the computer to restart in OS X.
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Get Out The Vote
I am going door-to-door in Seattle down in Federal Way the last few days encouraging people to vote.
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If you are going to bitch at Quiznos, really bitch at Quiznos
So a friend of mine was bitching about hs shabby treatment at a Quiznos near his house in Los Angeles. Apparently, he walked into the place at like 8:47 PM when it closes and the 18 year old girl working at the Quiznos refused to help him because she was closing the store and didn't wish to make another sandwich.
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Looking for Disgruntled Bank of America Employees
Are you a disgruntled Bank of America employee?
Have you had it with the damn company?
Do you have a grudge?
Help me out.
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Stop whistling
I attended a Mariners game this week. I like the game of baseball. I like watching it in a stadium because it can be quite a fun game. The reason I don't go to many games because I'm not too fond of phrases like, "OK, two beers, a bag of peanuts, $20."
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Memories of crazy girls
I was chatting with some friends about the craziest girls we ever dated. We bantered stories back and forth for a while, but then I remembered one story I think I will share with you. It happened about 1994 or 1995. A while ago during the Seattle International Comedy Competition.
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What are the usual NOs?
I keep seeing the usual NOs in ads and I would like to know how many of the usual NOs there are.
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Angry fan mail
It seems I have annoyed one Josh Nelson, a no-name pyro who nobody I know has ever heard about. He's criticizing my act, Pyro Boy because he feels I might be endangering the pyrotechnic community.
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Passed by a Bridgestone Dueller at 70 MPH
It's not often one is passed on the freeway by a single tire. Generally there are four of them traveling in tandem attached to sheet metal with a driver behind the wheel. But today I was passed by a single Bridgestone Dueller AT 33 x 10.5. It is a model I am familiar with since I purchased that exact tire for my car. The same tire that just passed me in the southbound lane heading northbound.
Let me explain.
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Is the bar...haunted?
So last night the manager says goodbye to me in my office and tells me I am the last one out. I lock up the office around 3:30 AM and I head off to my car. I look into the bar from the window and I see someone moving behind the bar.
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My missing Trailer Park Boys DVD
I loaned a friend of mine my copy of the TV series, "Trailer Park Boys" a very funny, politically incorrect mockumentary about the lives of denizens of the Sunnyvale Trailer Park in Nova Scotia. She's stuck flat on her back for a while in all the wrong ways. I know she hasn't watched it because she has not commented on how this is one of the funniest TV shows ever. So I dropped her a note to watch the damn thing:
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A little Bleu prank
So I am in this cute, trendy little bistro in Seattle called Bleu on Broadway. It's looks like someone decorated the entire place by shopping at Pier 1 Imports complete with the wicker, laid out a 20 table place, dumped it into a storefront 1/4 the size needed, then shook it up like a boggle game until it sort of looked right.
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Why do Republicans honor Reagan?
Now that President Ronald Reagan has passed away, I have been thinking about his life and his legacy. When you take a close look at it, Republicans might see reason to cheer, but the average American does not.
I have been thinking why do Republicans embrace Reagan so much and make him out to be such a great human when in fact he was a very small tiny brained man?
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Beware! Insurance rates are rising! Read the fine print!!
Today my auto insurance came in the mail. I had talked to my agent about my insurance because I was concerned about several factors. One, my insurance rates continue to increase every damn period. This is amazing to me for several reasons.
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Lottery Sales Slogan
I live in the State of Washington which like many states runs a lottery. For just one dollar you have a chance to win at least 1 million dollars (odds of winning are 1: 6,991,908 --odds of being struck by lightning: 1:700,000). Imagine that, a million dollars!
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Date Back-up
A friend of mine is trying to get her slut on and it's my fault. I wrote a personal ad for her because she was feeling down and unattractive.
So I wrote this personal ad and put it on Craigslist:
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Gas Prices: The Refinery Myth
Like many of you, I have been wondering exactly what is going on with gasoline prices in the US. In my home town of Seattle, we have exceeded $2.30 a gallon and there is no sign the price will be dropping anytime soon.
So what is going on?
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Screw you, piano man
What is it with pianos? I have the misfortune of working in an office that has a piano within earshot. Every lousy fucking piano player within it's seductive draw will come up, flip up the lid and start to tinkle away.
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Explanation to Mexican UFO sightings
A possible explanation
Recently the Mexican Air Force release footage of what they claim is a possible UFO siting. Now the first time I read this I think I thought the same thing you did. Mexican Air Force?
Here's the story:
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Best Wireless Network Name!
I was in downtown Seattle and I located a wireless network at the Union Gospel Mission. The name of the network?
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How to get banned from Freecycle
I now have detailed instructions on how to get banned from Freecycle.
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The Passion of Christ: What really happened
I know this is hard to believe in this age where people are trying to book tickets to Middle Earth thinking it was a real place, but here is what happened. OK, I have it on good authority that the whole movie was digitally enhanced. There's just no way that could have happened. the way it went down.
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Is someone pranking me?
Today is April Fools Day and today I seemed to be getting slammed with complaints about my prank where I suggest people switch decaf and regular coffee in their office. http://gwally.com/pranks/.
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The terrorists have already won
I am here to tell you the terrorists have already won. The problem is that we have been identifying the terrorists as Islamic extremists or crazy American nutjobs. Those aren't terrorists, those are just angry people who have been pissed on and they are reacting.
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The poop on coloring poop
I found that if you drink a grape Slice or four of them in one sitting, your poop could turn green.
This gave me great insight on making poop more than just a toilet ritual, I could turn it into an art form.
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Responses to the birthday prank
Well, Matt recieved over 100 responses to the birthday prank. As an added bonus, I am including some of the better responses.
Enjoy!
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Happy Birthday Matt Conlon
Today is the birthday of my friend and coworker Matt Conlon. Matt is a really wonderful guy in many ways. He is dedicated, hard-working, a great DJ, creative, likes to work on building community and is well known in his community.
He also has an alias he likes to live up to with vigor. Matt's nickname is Jackass. Give Matt a megaphone and you will be very sorry until the batteries die. He takes on an alter-ego that is loud and obnoxious.
So how does one find a way to help this man celebrate his birthday? Why, with a prank of course!
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Let the punishment fit the crime
Recently someone posted a link to a modification some kid did with the brand new Apple Power Macintosh G5 with dual processors his parents gave him for Christmas. He wasn't a Mac user, he didn't have any software, but he liked the G5's brushed aluminum case. So he decided what he would do is gut the G5, put his old Dell motherboard in the case and upgrade the processor to a $400.00 2.2 GHz AMD Athlon XP processor.
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My first/last time in a taxidermy shop
Let me tell you about the first and last time I was in a taxidermy shop.
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Consider the plight of the size queen
Lately I have been thinking of the plight of size queens. Those unique individuals that insist that size of certain appendages mean very much to them.
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Humorous thoughts on the war
Lately I have been thinking about the war in Iraq and the forgotten war in Afghanistan as many of you have as well.
I have been running the details of the war in my mind. This war is very frustrating for Americans and our allies. Especially the ones that have sent troops and aid to both countries. We are hopelessly bogged down in each conflict, good people are dying on all sides and there is no end in sight.
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When you know "politically correct" has overtaken your life
So I get a message from a friend who is stopping by the bar.
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Holidays got you depressed?
The holidays can be a very depressing time for even the most sane person. In these times of unrealistic commercial, cultural and familial obligations, one might get caught up in the depression of the season, consider suicide and start to look for very special ways of checking out before the new year. I'm sure you have good reasons for wanting to end it all. What I want to encourage you to do is consider all sides of an act of suicide such as leaping off a tall building to your death.
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Shark Tank bait
One of my favorite columns to read on the Internet has been "Shark Tank". This is a column that relates stories from other people in high tech that really illustrates the point that no good deed goes unpunished.
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You say chopped tomatoes, I say salsa
So I walk into a Taco Del Mar on Broadway in Seattle. I go up to the counter and I order a burrito and two tacos. As the guy is making my burrito, he asks me if I want chopped tomatoes.
"Huh?"
"Do you want chopped tomatoes?"
He's holding up a ladle of salsa.
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How was your Thanksgiving?
So how was your Thanksgiving feast this year?
Was it everything you hoped for? Was it a great gathering of friends and family? Was it postcard perfect?
It wasn't?
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Energy Drinks
I have just realized that many energy drinks I have tried recently have the same smell as the blue liquid you find in most portapotties.
Ewww.
How I spent my Thanksgiving Morning
Over the last 10 years that I have been involved with the production of the Seattle International Comedy Competition, I have found myself waking up at the Hallmark Inn on the morning of Thanksgiving. This would be a real treat if I had family in Moses Lake or perhaps any other day of the year. But my family and friends are 4 hours West in Seattle. By the time I wake up, pack up the laptop and the score sheets, have breakfast and hit the road and drive the four hours, it's sometime between 3-6 PM and most Thanksgiving plans are fairly disrupted.
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Ready, SETI, Go!
Recently I took up the cause of SETI (the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) once again and I am running the program on my computers. For those of you unfamiliar with SETI, it is a distributed computing program that runs in it's most basic form as a screensaver called SETI at home. If your computer is on, SETI downloads files from a server and begins processing signals received from space to see if any of them are of a source not from Earth.
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Churching Up Halloween
Last week I recieved one of those panicked e-mails from a friend that was desperately in trouble. You know, the kind of message you dread to receive because it's a plea for help. I know, a friend in need is a friend indeed, but sometimes I think a friend that was picked off by a junk mail filter is a friend that you will not have to console at 3 in the morning over a relationship that ended 7 months ago.
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Fun with pumpkins
Last night I was attempting to have a low key evening hanging out at the bar. But I can only go so long before the bad genes in my body conspire to make me do something silly. Last night was no exception.
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Trash talking 9-1-1
I got a call on my cell phone today. The number was blocked, but I could clearly recognize the voice. It was the host of the party I attended the night before.
"Hello, this is 9-1-1. We are returning a call you made."
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6th & Virginia McDonald's - never again
The following story contains details that are so foul and vile that I highly recommend that you do not read any further. No really, I mean it. This is quite possibly the most revolting thing I have ever written and submitted to this column. If you are contemplating eating at any food establishment in the next few days or have no desire to yak on your keyboard, just leave the page now.
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Desert Blast
This weekend I attended a truly wild and incredible festival called Desert Blast, possibly the wildest event anywhere. Desert Blast has only a few rules. Anything goes and it is by invite only. It was the 13th year for the festival and I had just recieved an invite to come by and perform Pyro Boy and do a few of our other wild circus acts. We were heading to a festival that makes you sign a waiver that says, "If you are hurt in any way, we are not responsible" and they really mean it. We couldn't wait to check it out.
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Know Where To Park
About a week ago, I was introduced to a rather different way of protecting a car. Some people might use the Club, an alarm or the condition of their car to help protect it from prowlers. In Seattle we have an additional way of protecting you car, you can intrust it to the care of Elvis.
Thats right, Elvis.
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Prepay Redux
Sometimes you have to choose between what you believe in and what you can swallow and accept. For many this might be pride, if your a vegetarian it is meat, and if you are me, it is that decision whether or not to prepay for gas.
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Pork Filled Opening Night
One of the things I really like about doing live television is the urgency of the deadline. My time slot starts at exactly 10:00 PM and wraps up at 10:30 PM. If we're not ready to go, we broadcast black. So when the clock hits 9:59:30, it is time to go regardless of what arise. It is this same adherence to deadlines that I really enjoy about live theatre.
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Changes to Star Trek, Inc.
Oh it is an exciting time of the year to be a Trekkie. IMZADI II, a new Star Trek novel by Peter David is coming out and it features an appearance of Sgt. Roger Tang. This has the Pork Filled Payer excited because our producer is named Roger Tang, and no, it isn't a coincidence.
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Save The Chickens
Somehow Washington state has become a hotbed for animal rights activists. First they were trying to save the whales and now they are trying to save the chickens.
Thats right the chickens
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Happy Birthday to Me
It has been a long strange and rewarding year.
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More Problems With My Contact Lenses
Yesterday was the first day that I wore my contact lenses in several months. I do not really need them, except for an astigmatism I can see just fine. A few months ago I got a wild hair and decided I should have the best vision possible, so I spent a very large sum of money to find out that I seem to be too incompetent to wear little bits of plastic in my eyes.
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The Joys of Closed Captioning
I would like to introduce you to a feature on your television that is loads of fun and if you bought a TV in the last few years it most likely has it. This activity is watching TV with the "Closed Caption" feature turned on.
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Flushing My Contacts Down the Drain
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
— W.C. Fields
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Another Eye Doctor Appointment
I had another lovely appointment with my optometrist today. I walked in and I told her that I was sorry I was late for my appointment, but I was delayed due to the fact that I had squirted hair spray in my eye. She tried to contain herself from laughing, but to no avail.
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My Eye Doctor thinks I Am a Complete Idiot
My Eye doctor thinks I am a complete idiot. Well, most likely as complete as she usually gets to run across, and it doesn't help that her assistant agrees with her completely.
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Just Call Me One-Eyed Pete
Maybe contact lenses are not for me after all.
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How To Go Blind in 12 Easy Steps
Many people seem to have a hamstring or two in life. They may have a facade that seems to be carved from steel, but you find out it was supported by balsa wood. Sadly, I am no different. Despite my many strengths, I seem to have one big weakness that has hamstrung my life. My contact lenses.
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James Inman: A Man Too Unstable to Ride in My Car
This story takes place during the 1996 Seattle International Comedy Competition. The behavior of the people in this story in no way reflect on the people doing stand-up comedy.
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Can I Help You Pick One?
I find interviews to be very difficult sometimes. I work in the computer field where the relaxed look is always in. This actually makes it more difficult to interview because if you go in to formal, they assume you have a stick up your butt. If you go too casual, they assume you don't care.
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