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Drinking with Dirty Sanchez

February 01, 2006

I went drinking with Prichard and Pancho over the last few nights. The Pain Men from Dirty Sanchez are not to be taken lightly.

I was clearly warned not to attempt to drink with them. They are used to drinking. They have superhuman livers. They are Welsh. In all seriousness, trying to drink with them is a hazard to your health, and thats just the damage you'll do to your liver. These guys have a look as if they just assume beat you as drink with you.

Thats just the kind of challenge I like to hear.

I had to go drinking with them for two reasons. One, I was talking some shit about the Pain Men and I really felt the need to go toe-to-toe with them. It was that and the fact I did challenge them to a duel on my own terms and called them pussies when they declined. It only seemed fair to enter the lions den and face my fate in their arena.

Night One:

Holy crap, these guys know how to drink. I was clearly feeling as if I was over my head before I took a quick time-out to have a pep talk with my liver. We had a team building moment, then went back to the challenge. I started on one beer and they were fighting to see who got to pay for the next round. I held a steady rhythm until I was joining them sip for sip. Around 2:00 AM, people started dropping like flies. At the same time, a woman who would have been considered underage in the US started buying everyone drinks. Apparently her mother was having an orgy with another woman and two race car drivers. Her mother asked if she'd like to join in and instead she left the room and was now buying rounds of drinks as revenge.

Pancho and I agreed to do a fireworks duel. We challenged them to a six-way pyro shoot-out and we agreed we would do it the next night. All is well.

At 2:30 AM their handler passed out. The last coherent words we could make out were, "make sure they don't get into trouble..." I noticed he didn't say when to have them into bed, just don't let them get into trouble, so I pressed on and the drinks kept flowing. At around 3:00 Prichard bowed out. At the same time I broke through that wall runners talk about where you get a runners high and energy just flows to you. I had the drinkers high.

At 3:30, the woman was clearly entering into some sort of lethal combination of self-abuse with alcohol and tempting fate by ringing up a huge bill for likker and beer. She was now actively hitting on all of us. As tempting as it was, a smart man knows to avoid a woman that has been drinking that much and talking shit all night. What goes down, must come out and you really don't want to be sharing a bed with a person who is power vomiting all over your bed.

At 3:45, Pancho bailed out. Team Pyro Boy won the night. At 4:03, I finished my last beer and called it a night.

Night Two:

The Producers were told we planned to challenge the Pain Men to a duel after their segment. I think they were a bit ambiguous when they said, "FUCK NO!" They would clearly love to do it, but not until after Thursday night. Unfortunately, the Pain Men are leaving on a tour the next day, so the challenge will have to be delayed.

The Pain Men's show went really well. Once the segment completed, it was time to celebrate. It was the anniversary of the hanging of Guy Fawkes and that alone was reason to celebrate. The beers started flowing in the Green Room and continued to the Hotel. The Pain Men, Pyro Boy and host Alex Zane sat down with others to do some power drinking. Tonight I was off my game. The room was filled with smoke and I am allergic to cigarette smoke, so I was fighting just to remain in the bar.

Someone had the bright idea to switch to Sambuca, "the nectar of life". Thats what they called it. I called it, "The Big Mistake". Shots were appearing as fast as we finished them. They made me light mine on fire since I was Pyro Boy and put it out with my hand. After a while I was developing burns on my hand from snuffing out the shots. Thankfully there was a series of cold beers I could use to cool my paw.

Finally 2:00 rolled around. The Pain Men bailed out. Team Pyro Boy also bailed out at the same time because going on further would have been painful and stupid. We were already sweating alcohol like a whore in church. We called it a night. This was clearly a draw and sadly the next rematch would be in the future. Hopefully in the very near future.

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