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My Eye Doctor thinks I Am a Complete Idiot

June 10, 1997

My Eye doctor thinks I am a complete idiot. Well, most likely as complete as she usually gets to run across, and it doesn't help that her assistant agrees with her completely.

It seems that I am always doing something stupid with my eyes and my eyewear. For those of you who follow this adventure, you may have noticed that my contact lenses and I do not get along very well. (see the Rants for April)This trend has continued to the point where today I was getting a new supply of contacts, despite the fact that I have violated every rule regarding the use of contact lenses. There is not too many rules, and most of them exist to stop the wearer from going blind.

Lets take a quick rundown of the things I have done since embarking on the road to contact lenses. I have:

  • Stepped on them
  • Poked my eye with my finger
  • Worn them overnight
  • Worn them for periods longer than recommended
  • Failed to clean them properly
  • Lost them
  • Had problems getting the damn right one in
  • Let them sit overnight in a liquid that clearly states soak no longer than 15 minutes
  • Squirted a liquid containing mostly isopropyl alcohol that was clearly labeled, "DO NOT PUT DIRECTLY IN YOUR EYE."

    The greatest part about telling her all of this is watching how her eyes widened and she mentally calculated how much malpractice insurance she was currently carrying. She then asked me if I felt confident in my abilities to follow the directions on how to wear the lenses. It really was the same tone of voice someone might use with someone of diminished mental capacity if they can handle the responsibilities of washing and clothing themselves on a daily basis. I explained to her that I was just being honest and I would not be making the same mistakes again. Especially not the squirting the alcohol in the eyes. That really hurt.

    She then handed me the 5 minute care solution kit with the same reluctance that one might have when handing over their financial affairs to someone who has been twice convicted of embezzling funds. Then she said, "I am only going to give you the alcohol based cleaner. I was going to give you the hydrogen peroxide based solution, but I hesitate. It cleans better, but if you think the alcohol hurts when you put it in you eye, try this stuff sometime." Er, no thanks.

    So now I am attempting to win her trust by not doing anything stupid with my contact lenses in the next month. I think I can do it. There really is only one stupid thing that some patients do on a regular basis that I want to avoid doing at all costs. That is drinking the contact lenses. She actually gets people who were tired, managed to squeeze the lenses out and put them in a glass for the evening, then forget they were there and drink them the next morning. So from now on out, no water glasses are allowed near my bed.

    No exceptions.

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