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Living the Wally Lifestyle

Flushing My Contacts Down the Drain

June 19, 1997

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
W.C. Fields

You know sometimes I amaze myself!

Earlier today I was about to go through a painful ritual that I have now decided to try and complete once a day. Some do yoga, some meditate, I just try and get my contact lenses in my frickin eyes! Through meditation one may discover an inner peace and clear thought. By putting my contacts in I have come to discover the clear thoughts one can only have in a seething rage of anger. Due to the fact that I try and make these pages viewable to one and all, I cannot really express those thoughts at this time.

I managed to get one lens in without any hassle. I was employing the towel system where you put a clean towel over the sink to catch the lens if is should fall out to keep it from being contaminated with the typical residues that one finds on a sink basin, all of which have warning labels that clearly read, "KEEP OUT OF EYES." I was amazed that everything seemed to be working just fine.

So I moved the towel so that I could wash my hands. I had just cleaned the other lens with the same alcohol based cleaner that I had previously squirted into my eyes a few weeks ago and I was carefully washing my hands of any residue to avoid repeating that mistake ever again. While I was carefully washing my hands, I moved slightly and ever so gracefully I knocked my contact lens case into the sink.


I quickly panicked because I can do it so well and I fumbled to shut the water off, but it was too late. The contact lens I had only purchased less than a week ago had already gone down the drain.


I quickly panicked one more time and then I started to twist and pull out the built-in sink stopper out in hopes it was lodged into some hair. Yeah, I know ewwwww, but the enzyme cleaner and the alcohol based cleaner should will disinfect these suckers, and I did just fork out something like $260.00 for a year supply, and this contact was maybe 6 days old. It wasn't there.

I ran into the kitchen, grabbed a large pot, ran back to the bathroom and started to pull the stuff out from under the sink so I could get to the P trap. The P trap is that little bendy thing that is suppose to prevent gas from coming up the sink, give grease a place to coagulate and harden, and to give you a false hope that the one valuable thing you just flushed down the sink will still be there when you pull off the P trap. The lens was not there.

I tried running water through the sink into the pot, but it was no use. The contact lens was now on a complex course that would take it out to the West Point Sewage treatment plant where it will be chopped, strained, treated with enzymes and microbes to help it break down to something that will be too hazardous to any passing fishes as it is ejected into the Puget Sound.

At least I didn't swallow it.

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