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The Zombie White Jesus

March 23, 2008

For those of you non-Christians, today is Easter. This is a special holiday for Christians, although I doubt most of them could really tell you what the day is about.

Apparently it has to do with some Christian ceremony where a giant white rabbit that runs around hiding food in the yards of Christian children which consists of chocolate or eggs, sometimes chocolate eggs, as a way to get them strung out on sugar and caffeine. Then the parents hose them off, load them into a car and head off to a church, if they can remember where it is. This is some ritual fashion designed to make the everyone as uncomfortable as possible.

Ironically enough, it's almost equally opposite on the calendar as another holiday where we feed candy to kids -- Halloween. This is a holiday devout Christians hate, but everyone else seems to know it and love it. I don't even a have to tell you what Halloween is about because you already know all about it. Kids love it.

It occurs to me that since both holidays contain many of the same elements, perhaps Christians ought to borrow a page from their own holiday borrowing book and re-invent Easter with a Halloween theme. Lets get rid of the Easter Bunny and instead embrace a new character, the zombie white jesus.

The zombie white jesus would resurrect himself every Easter Sunday and wander the earth dropping decorated eggs and chocolate around the world in all the yards the Christian children live in. Zombies are way cooler than bunnies anyway. Instead of biting ears off chocolate bunnies, we could eat foil wrapped chocolate zombie jesuses instead.

This would convey the whole resurrection aspect of jesus and still include the candy, which is the part we all celebrate anyway.

The best part is we could decorate our houses just like we do for halloween. After all, there's a zombie roaming the streets and people all know zombies eat brains. Brain-eating, candy-distributing zombies would make this a favorite holiday of little boys, emos and goths everywhere. Imagine stores full of fake barbed wire for yard decorations as well as plastic chain saws or shotguns and stories about what happens to bad little boys and girls who get eaten by zombies. Everyone would decorate their house by barricading any windows or doors. It would be like a horror movie brought to life, only it would be a religious horror movie, so it would have meaning to us all.

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