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Living the Wally Lifestyle

How To Go Blind in 12 Easy Steps

April 29, 1997

Many people seem to have a hamstring or two in life. They may have a facade that seems to be carved from steel, but you find out it was supported by balsa wood. Sadly, I am no different. Despite my many strengths, I seem to have one big weakness that has hamstrung my life. My contact lenses.

This is the tragic story of my battle to control two little round bits of plastic. It is a story much like the the struggles of good overcoming evil, David overcoming Goliath, and Kevin Costner overcoming his ego. Sadly, the battle over my contact lenses has me currently losing nearly every battle. Maybe some of this tragedy can benefit you in your own life. Maybe you will find wisdom where I found failure. Maybe you will pee your pants laughing at my misfortune. Just remember, it could happen to you.

I have recently joined the ranks of those who wear contact lenses. I seem to be adapting just fine except for one little problem. I can get the left one in just fine but the right eye is another matter. In fact, it seems that the only way I can get it in is by pounding on the counter or by yelling out, "FUUUUUUUUCK!!!"or something along those lines.

I know I am not the only one with this problem. The best known celebrity I know of is Peter O' Toole. He actually has an assistant that puts the lenses in his eyes. Some people I know who had to work with him saw this and thought for sure he was going to be a major pain in the ass to work with, but indeed it turned out to be just the opposite. He was great to work with, he just couldn't get the damn lenses in, and he could hire someone to do it for him. I would give this more consideration if you could pick up a personal Optometrist cheaply, as far as I can tell they run about $40.00 a visit without an office call.

When I got the lenses my lovely Optometrist made me take them out and put them in three times and fully trained me on the proper care of contact lenses, so it isn't like I am uncertified or something like that. I should be able to do it without the pounding or the yelling, but right now it seems to be the only solution. I have explored other avenues, but alas, I am still getting nowhere. People keep making suggestions and I keep telling them, "FOR THE 10th TIME YES, I HAVE ALREADY TRIED THAT!" I have no other choice but to go into remedial contact lens training because I am failing miserably at putting the right contact lens in place. I am sure my lovely Optometrist and her very helpful assistant will do their best to help me the best they can and point out once again that you want to make sure that the lens is the right direction and is in the shape of a little US Army helmet and not a World War II German helmet. I'd point out to them that it is actually a World War I English helmet, but I can see they are just trying to be helpful. Oh I know they want me to give up on the fantasy of wearing contact lenses and switch to frames, but I am sick of looking at frames. I have yet to find any frames that look good and fit my big fat wide bulbous head. On nearly every pair of frames I have tried, I end up looking like the Egghead Software Professor logo guy, but with better hair. It is as if the entire city of Seattle is populated with eyeglass wearing people with really teeny Fetal Alcohol Syndrome-sized heads.

I have tried Nikon, Boda, Oliver Peoples (they almost worked but looked to Elvis), Ralph Lauren, and a slew of others. I like the frames that Guess makes, but they are not very sturdy (the last pair broke several times) and I like the lenses of Serengetti makes, but the frames leave me clammy. If anybody has some models and names of non-poindexter looking frames, please, for pity's sake, please let me know.

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