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Sorry, I was drunk

January 17, 2008

"Um, look, I'm sorry, I'm really drunk right now."

Why is it when you catch someone who has been caught red handed doing something they know is wrong, use an excuse like that?

"Um, sorry, I'm really drunk right now."

I have heard this excuse from people in my life. People who I caught stealing my bike, taking things at a party that do not belong to them, or breaking into a car. Once the person realizes they are wrong and facing possible legal retribution, do they resort to this excuse?

Better yet, why does this excuse actually work?

When someone tells you they are drunk, suddenly you, the person who has caught someone doing something naughty, like breaking your valuable lamp because they acted like a fucktard, feel as if you should go easy on them because they are drunk?

If anything, this is the time to crack the whip. It's alcoholic lightweights who get caught doing stupid things that give a bad name to drunk people everywhere. This is not someone who is a functional alcoholic, they are a dysfunctional alcoholic. A good alcoholic would be convincing you that the broken lamp is now worth even more money because they are a famous artist who practices deconstruction. A creative excuse like, "gallery owners everywhere will be bidding or this piece. Especially if you include the bathroom vanity and the artful display of Chex Mix."

I guess what I really want to know is if this excuse might work if someone was pulled over for a DUI. You've seen the video before on shows like COPS where a really, really drunk guy gets arrested for being under the influence. Imagine the cop telling someone, "At this time I am charging you with driving under the influence of alcohol" if that person could look at the cop and say, "Um, look, I'm sorry, I'm really drunk right now" and the cop let them go.

With my luck I would be the driver of the car the drunk plowed into on video.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a lamp to clean up.

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