This story takes place during the 1996 Seattle International Comedy Competition. The behavior of the people in this story in no way reflect on the people doing stand-up comedy.
Since this story happened, James Inman has settled down enough to actually win the 1997 San Francisco Comedy Competition. James is easily one of the funniest people I have met in comedy and for the most part a decent, respectable professional. But hey, sometimes you just have to have fun now and then. This is the true story of the last ride home I ever gave James Inman.
I was hanging around down at the Comedy Underground with the rest of the comics after a night of Comedy for the Competition. It was late, I was tired, so I thought I might as well head on home. There was a comic who was in town from Chicago for the Competition named John McClellan. If you have never seen John, let me describe him. He is a big bald man who looks like a serial killer, dresses in leather jacket, white shirt and blue jeans. he looks quite a bit like the actor Donald Plesance. He happened to be camping out at a hotel near me, so I thought I'd offer him a ride to his place. I mean, what could it hurt? I would be working with him all week, so I figure just in case he goes Postal over bad bar nachos, I want him to look at me and think, FRIEND. So I offered to give him a ride home. He grabbed his stuff, we headed to the door, then he said the words, "Can we give James a ride?"
John might look scary, but James Inman is an out-and-out wack-o. James Inman is a short, edgy-looking guy that really is grunge personified. The last time I gave James a ride, we got pulled over by a policeman who saw make an illegal right turn. However, not only was the turn was legal, but it was impossible for the cop to see us make the turn since he was coming from an entirely different direction, so it was impossible for him to say that in the first place.
All the cop really wanted to do was hassle us a bit. I sensed this, and sadly, James did as well. I worked to co-operate with the nice policeman so he didn't get mad and start writing tickets, and James co-operated by yelling at the policeman calling him a fucking pig. By the way, here is a quick note to all of those who are reading this. If you ever are pulled over by a policeman who is pulling you over just to hassle you, try squashing nice words and phrases like, "yes officer," "no officer," "thank you officer." Do not do as James did and yell, "YOU'RE FUCKING TRYING TO HASSLE US! YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING ON US, YOU PIG!" To this day I am not sure how I got away without a ticket. James was really pissing off the officer, but since I blew close to zero on the breathalyzer test (like I said, they were hassling us), he didn't have anything on us, so luckily he let us go.
I swore I would never give James a ride after that happened. However, James was with his wife, Tracey so I couldn't refuse. Oh I should have, but I didn't. I guess I am kind of stupid that way.
Tonight we get to my car a scant 1/2 block from the comedy club, and James has to pee. He refused to go back to Swannie's, so he walks over to the sidewalk, proudly asserts he will not pee in the doorway of a oriental rug dealer again, and instead he proceeds to pee into the gutter right behind my car. Some guy who lived above the rug store took offense at James peeing in the street and and opened the window and asked, "Excuse me, would you like to use the restroom up here?" James replies without breaking stream,
"HEY FUCK YOU!"
"NO, FUUCK YOU!"
"WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT!"
I can sense trouble is brewing so I jump in the car, start up the engine and yelling at James to get in the car before the guy calls the cops. Meanwhile, James keeps screaming,
"COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT! I'LL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!"
Meanwhile, John Mc Clellan is laughing his ass off and I am popping the clutch into reverse to get James to stop peeing and to quit screaming at the top of his lungs to a guy that might very well come down here and say that. James just keeps peeing, I keep backing up, and James keeps telling me to telling me to stop that. The exchange went like this:
"I'LL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!"
[I back up a bit] Stop that.
"YOU WANT TO START SOMETHING YOU RICH BASTARD?"
[I continue to backing up] "quit it."
"I DARE YOU TO COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE YOU TALENT-LESS ART FAG!
Did I mention this was the exact same place I was accused of making an illegal right turn before?
Finally we get James Inman into the car, and John Mc Clellan is laughing so hard he looks like he is having a seizure. I carefully signal, make the right turn, and get the heck out of the area because I am worried that I am going to get pulled over, and James is going to get me arrested.
We actually make it to the Camlin Hotel and drop off John Mc Clellan without any additional problems. After that I had to take James Inman and Tracey home.
What happened after dropping off John McClellan is technically considered to be a felony. Due to a number of legal factors, I am afraid that I cannot disclose them right now.
