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Living the Wally Lifestyle

My own personal oil spill

August 22, 2005

Or: How I discovered a great excuse for calling in sick to work

Today was a strange day filled with fluids.

It started out when I was doing laundry, I just got out of the shower and I was gathering up clothes to do laundry. Somehow I managed to spill Tide liquid laundry detergent down my right arm and since I was only wearing a towel, all over my body. I used the towel to clean up as much as I could, then I took another shower to wash off the rest. When Tide mixes with water, it starts to activate and becomes a lot more caustic and I ended up with a minor burn on my right arm and it didn't feel clean afterwards, it felt abused.

So later on I was working on my car and I changed my fuel filter. It is located directly under the chassis of my Suburban and while I was loosening the connections, I ended up pouring gasoline all over the right side of my body. It never leaks like that and I managed to spill the entire contents on my body, thereby not contaminating the bucket I was using to catch the gasoline. I took my second shower of the day to get the gasoline off my body.

So then I was off to run some errands when I passed an auto wrecking yard. I thought I would stop in to see if I could get a part for my car that I have been unable to find at a parts store. While I was there, I managed to knock over anti-freeze and other disgusting fluids down my body. I went home and took shower my third shower of the day.

After crawling under my car a third time to change the oxygen sensor, I realized I had not changed my oil recently, so I went to the store, got the oil, a filter and I came back to change the oil. I managed to get most of the six quarts of oil into the bucket. I replaced the filter and while laying down, I started to pull the bucket out from under my car and I managed to pour scalding hot motor oil down my body. By the way, this hurts.

Two showers and a soak in the tub later, I still have a little oil on my skin.

I also trashed my Holey Soles, which is the real tragedy. Skin can eventually grow back, but the shoes are gone forever.

The next day I called into work and explained I was coming in really late or not at all. They were really supportive and told me take as much time off as I like.

This is when I realized I came up with a brilliant excuse to take a day off work and head to the beach instead. My left arm looks like I have a bad sunburn. The right arm looks not so hot either. But if one were to call in sick to work, head to the beach, go light on the sun-block, you will look very much like I do right now.

Before you go back to work, use lotion on the burned areas so they look like you have been taking care of them, then add a dab or two of motor oil to your skin for smell, then walk into work. You can claim the all over tan is an allergic reaction to the motor oil.

If one person is able to take advantage of this excuse, my pain will be justified.

Do it for my Holey Soles.

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