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Holidays got you depressed?

December 23, 2003

The holidays can be a very depressing time for even the most sane person. In these times of unrealistic commercial, cultural and familial obligations, one might get caught up in the depression of the season, consider suicide and start to look for very special ways of checking out before the new year. I'm sure you have good reasons for wanting to end it all. What I want to encourage you to do is consider all sides of an act of suicide such as leaping off a tall building to your death.

If having the planet hit you head on in a collision is starting to sound like a good idea to you, please consider all sides of the issue. It's not just how your family might feel if you decide to buy the farm early, you need to give serious consideration on how best to end your now soon to be tragically short life.

First off, if you are going to leap to your death off a building, be sure it is one you can handle with professionalism.

For instance, screaming something like, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" for the final moments of your life comes with some responsibility. You should be able to scream all the way down the full length of the leap to your death. You do not want to be screaming at the top of your lungs as you plunge 40 stories and have to stop to get more air. Think of it this way, you owe it to yourself to go out in style, so I ask that you follow these guidelines to make sure you get the props you deserve. Especially since if you gift the recognition in the first place, you wouldn't be considering hurling your body to a grisly end.

The first thing you should do is practice, practice, practice. The yell is very important and you need to make sure you take on a building you know you can handle. When you cross that edge and take one final leap for all mankind, you need to remember that as a rule of thumb, you will be falling at a rate of 33 feet per second. It takes a little math, but calculate the height of the building by your vocal ability. If you cannot yell the length of a 70 story building, you need to either choose a smaller building, build up your lung power or plan for taking a breath halfway down the building.

The reason that screaming at the top of your lungs is so important is that you are going to be passing lots of offices on your way down and you want to make sure you can freak the shit out of people as you head upstage. This is very critical and you need to practice projecting your voice through the windows into the front row of your audience. Remember, you are performing in front of a crowd, try not to get stage fright.

Every act should end with a strong closer and yours is no different. Therefore you should consider something witty to end on. For instance, just before you make meat on the street, yell out something witty or fun. The idea is to leave a message for those that you are about to emotionally scar for the rest of their lives. I always get a chuckle out of, the golf term, "FORE!!!"

Also, consider the value of the final act you are committing. Do you have a family? Do you have a good buddy you always liked? Now is your chance to line their pockets with your insurance policy. Many of them have a two year grace period where you are not allowed to kill yourself and get a payout unless you wait at least 2 years. Make sure you fully qualify for that insurance before you make the leap.

Consider contacting a videographer to see if they are willing to pay for the footage. People will pay big bucks to see really good death footage. That money could help a distant cousin get into college or better yet, use the money to buy an ex-girlfriend thousands of dollars in flowers and tell her you are doing it for her.

When jumping, give yourself a mark to aim for. Just like in pool, call your target. Parked cars can be a real bitch because they have a tendency to move. If you found a nice Porsche to aim for, you may have to work on physically disabling the car from moving. Something simple like a flat tire should work.

A giant red X on the sidewalk is fairly easy to do. Just a little duct tape and you're ready. Plus everyone knows that X marks the spot. Think of how funny it would be if you X'd the sidewalk and some dumbass came walking along, stood on the X and looked up just as you jumped. In fact, if you actually sold the footage to a videographer, think of how this moment in time will forever flash in their mind as the moment they knew they had footage people would be willing to pay for over the rest of his life. Much like that video footage of Oregon DOT blowing up a beached whale.

Most of all, have fun.

Happy jumping!

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