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Responses to the birthday prank

February 14, 2004

Well, Matt recieved over 100 responses to the birthday prank. As an added bonus, I am including some of the better responses.


From: "auntygravity"
Subject: Please don't kill the spider in your bathtub - m4w - 27
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 15:56:10 -0800
X-Priority: 3

Please don't let anyone come over and kill it. I will come over and capture
it and release it back into the wild. Naked! I don't drink beer or eat
chicken, but some deep fried canadian cow brains and warm Mountain Dew
sounds really good.
And i hope you have been at least taking spooge, i mean sponge baths.

Hope your Birthday is Wild and NaKEd and Spider Free.


From: "P. B. Marston"
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 16:10:15 -0800
X-Priority: 3

There is a much better solution that killing it outright. That's just mean.

Here is what you do.

Put an empty jar in the tub. Put a mixture of peanut butter, gatorade, and spanish fly oil in the jar. This creates an irresistable spider lure (as I learned on a camping trip several years ago.)

Once the spider climbs into the jar quickly through a lid on it. This is the dangerouse part. Have a younger sibling do it if possible.

Throw the jar in the freezer for 90 minutes. If it is a REALLY big spider, go for two hours. This will slow the spider down.

Prepare a double boiler. Simmer the water then put it on low to just to keep it warm.

Quickly, add two mothballs to the lid and place the jar in the double boiler. The combination of the mothball chemicals and increasing heat causes the spider to swell up, and eventually explode. This make pretty designs on the sides of the jar. I have gotton ones that looked like Jesus, Elvis, a mondrain painting, and one that spelled out "happy birthday, fucker"

This might be mean, but at least it's art, too.



[this is from his housemate]

Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 16:15:07 -0800
From: Luara Moore
Subject: boo hoo for matt

I'm just glad you didn't bring this up in a meeting. Wouldn't that be great,
your sissy ass needs some help and we all have to deal with it. I'm not sure
if spider reduction qualifies as "home improvement". You'd better not log
hours for having some brave, hopefully naked, chick come in and save your sally
butt. (Just make sure no one else is home)

I know life can be challenging. Seeing that you are now 27 I would hope you
could muster up the courage and manliness it takes to dispose of a defenseless
harmless spider. I wish the best for you and your ridiculous challenges in life.

Happy Birthday.


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 16:18:55 -0800
From: "L.Kelly Lyles"
Subject: Happy Birthday

Sorry, can't help with the spider. I honestly had to have a male friend come over & deal w/ the crickets in my bathtub when I lived in Dallass. But those suckers were enormous- everyone knows things are bgger in Texas- made noise all night & leapt at u (kinda like some people I know).Even the vacuum didn't work.... Good luck w/ the arachnophobia...
Kelly Lyles


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 16:23:05 -0800
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27
From: "shari g."

Fear is a pisser. But what is worse is some dude who needs to make up some
lame ass story about a spider in his bathtub just to lure women over to his
place. Get a life, jackass. Oh, and happy birthday. I think you should
wish for some balls.


Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27
From: "Lee Morgan"
X-OriginalArrivalTime: 14 Feb 2004 00:23:31.0407 (UTC) FILETIME=[C6629DF0:01C3F290]

Dr. Peter Venkman: We've been going about this all wrong, this Mr Stay Puff's OK, he's a sailor, he's in New York, we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble.


From: "andi mashek"
Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2004 08:34:55 +0800
Subject: Combating the big hairy spider

I have a big bat.

And it's just sitting in my closet waiting to be used.

And I love chicken gizzards.

And Bud Light is my favorite.

I'll come and smash that spider for you.

I'll smash it so good and it will be dead! Legs will fly all over the bathroom. Hairs will fly all over the bathroom, Just wait until that exoskeleton explodes and guts will spray out all over.

And if it's really as big as you say it is, maybe we can cook up the legs and dip them in butter.

Just send me your phone number and I'll be right over. I love doing the dirty work.

Have a really good birthday.


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:18:27 -0800
From: Holly Kreuter
Subject: Spiders!
X-Spam-Rating: 0 1.6.2 0/1000/N

I love spiders and would love to help you while you are in the shower.



Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:28:14 -0800
From: Marco Gavini
Subject: Please Kill the Spider in my Bathtub

Dear Sir,

I am the chairperson of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Arachnids and I must protest your posting on Craigslist.

Spiders, and other arachnids are valuable memebers of our ecosystem. They usually, but not always, eat malicious pests thereby protecting the environment from said pests.

I strongly urge you to reconsider your request.

Spiders are your friends.


The user of this mailbox.


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 19:15:57 -0600
From: "C.T. Robinson"
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27

Hello, I am into spiders too. Here's a copy of my personal ad. Please be respectful and reply only if interested. I live in the Tacoma area but don't mind driving. Heh heh. Do you have piercings? I have fifteen! Maybe we can meet for coffee sometime.

Rope me, milk me, feed me!
GWM, mid 40s, 175lbs, lean athletic build, mustache, light chest and body hair, looking for tops who like rope bondage and edge play. Tie me up/down and rope off and titillate my big cock and tits (they are wired together!) Then play with my body and keep me hard until you are ready to milk or feed me . . . again and again. This versatile, cute, bondage bottom likes to put up a struggle. Experienced. Into intense scenes, including rope, heavy metal, gags, mummification, tit clamps, gags, ball stretchers, suspension, collars, hoods, gags, weights, you name it. Hot wax, electricity, butt plugs, sleepsacks, straightjackets. Did I mention gags? Have extensive toy collection. Also into forced sex. Looking for good-looking, talented, confident tops who know what's what.

Ciaa! Hope to hear from you soon, Spider-boy. ;-)

Mary (Wayne)


From: "Connor Cunliffe"
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:33:05 -0800
X-Priority: 3
Seal-Send-Time: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:33:05 -0800
X-OriginalArrivalTime: 14 Feb 2004 01:33:01.0453 (UTC) FILETIME=[7BED23D0:01C3F29A]

I got's a vicious barking spider that can kick your dilema spiders ass!

I am sending it presently, so that we can resolve the problem...
it won't be pretty...
it will be messy...
the brown sludge from my spider will take a few days to clean up after....
but hey...
it is there for you, hot pants!
I will even bring in my sausage exterminator to add a bit o' mayo
for the icing!

Happy Birthday!



[Seattle Burning Man rep]

Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:46:58 -0800 (PST)
From: dave
X-Priority: 3
Importance: Normal

You are a freaking flapping vah-HI-HI-HI-na. Can't kill a freaking
spider? Shit negro, better send in the mexican. I'll eat that shit.

Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27


I need someone to come over to my house and kill the spider in my bathtub.

That's it. No, really. I need you to kill the spider. He's been there for
days and I think he's getting bigger. I can't shower with him in the tub.
I can't even use the toilet because he growls at me.

In return I will thank you, I will buy you a beer, I will even take you
out for chicken gizzards. But first I need you to kill the spider.

This thing is huge, so you better bring a baseball bat.

Oh, and wish me a happy birthday.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
this is in or around Seattle


From: "Lady Bee"
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:40:01 -0800
X-Priority: 1

Gosh, this is a weird coincidence....I happen to LOVE insects ( see my
name?) and I couldn't in good conscience really kill or even do the
slightest harm to the spider in your tub. But maybe we have something in
common? Well actually, I guess that would be more like total OPPOSITES,
wouldnt' it ? I mean that you would like me to kill the spider, but I
couldn't do that, morally.

Okay, I'm clutching at straws here, but what if I come over in my Brazilian
fire ant costume, and what if I try to help you overcome your fear of
spiders? We could start by looking at a few of my insect books, then at
actual insects ( I have a large collection, don't worry, they're dead) and
then we'll go sit in your bathroom, quietly and calmly, while we just watch
the spider. There should be some soothing music, nothing like the Flight of
the BumbleBees! but something more like The Sweet Elusive Butterfly of Love,
I think.

When you're totally relaxed, we'll work together to get you to step INTO the
bathtub and just be with the spider for a while. Then I'll pick up the
spider with my bare hands, Just to show you it can be done, and I'll place
it outside your house.

Maybe we'll like each other, who knows, if you are eternally grateful to me
for helping you overcome your fear I might accept sexual favors from you,
well, in a very specific way. If this all works out I'll tell you about

Please let me know if this interests you.

Eagerly awaiting your reply - LadyBee

Curator, Burning Man


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:48:16 -0800
From: Wally Glenn
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27

Dear Sir,

Man, it must really suck being you. It creeps me out to know there is a sissy boy like you wandering the planet unable to stomp a spider. What is your fucking problem ass-munch?

Are you afraid you'll get spider guts on your Puma?

Are you afraid the spider will crawl up your skirt?

You are truly a waste of flesh. You know that don't you?

Your parents must be proud to know they whelped a tasteless crack junkie like you.

I'd come over with the bat to take care of your little spider, but I'd be too tempted to kiss you upside the cranium as well. Then who would buy the beers?

Have a happy birthday and don't drink too much. Chances are you'll find yourself power vomiting at the toilet and that spider will crawl out of the tub and fuck you in the ass!!!


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 18:07:03 -0800
X-Priority: 3
X-OriginalArrivalTime: 14 Feb 2004 02:07:12.0253 (UTC) FILETIME=[424C62D0:01C3F29F]

What the fuck? Don't you have any balls? Just go in their and SQUASH the little fucker. You should be showered with tar and be forced into a room filled with spiders.
you fucking little pussy. you probably love enya and trance music.

happy birthday, you trance lovin hippy. I should stab you in fuckin the throat. well maybe not.



Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 18:32:48 -0800
From: The Neighbor of the Beast
X-Accept-Language: en
Subject: Happy Birthday!!!!!

I wish you a very Happy Birthday!!!!

I am so happy you finally rid of the bloody spider!!! :)

When one burns one's bridges, what a nice fire it makes
-Dylan Thomas


From: "Colonel Angus"
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 18:56:45 -0800
X-Priority: 3

Hey Über Wuss,

Adjust those Coke-Bottle glasses you're wearing and look at what's really
there. I'm betting it's not a spider at all, just your big black vibrator
with the fur trim. I'm just guessing it's something like that since you
think it is growling at you. There is an 'off' switch in the
back.......from what I am told. Flip that switch and I'm guessing all of
your problems will be solved. Either that or let it run until the batteries
wear out!

Forget the beer! Forget the chicken gizzards! Take me out for some Haggis!

BTW, Happy Birthday!

Colonel Angus


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 19:15:37 -0800
From: charybdis
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27

I am applying for the job of removing the spider from your premises. I will not kill it, as that is against my religious and ethical principles. But i come with references as to my abilities to capture, and release into the wild, any bathtub or shower-residing arachnids.

If you could be so kind as to help ascertain which species of spider you might be housing, i can begin the process of determining the proper place to release it, depending on available mates and food sources.


Reply to:
Date: 2004-02-13, 3:31PM PST

I need someone to come over to my house and kill the spider in my bathtub.

That's it. No, really. I need you to kill the spider. He's been there for days and I think he's getting bigger. I can't shower with him in the tub. I can't even use the toilet because he growls at me.

In return I will thank you, I will buy you a beer, I will even take you out for chicken gizzards. But first I need you to kill the spider.

This thing is huge, so you better bring a baseball bat.

Oh, and wish me a happy birthday.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.


From: "Tracy Clark"
Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2004 00:39:52 -0500
X-OriginalArrivalTime: 14 Feb 2004 05:39:52.0794 (UTC) FILETIME=[F82C6BA0:01C3F2BC]


I have an interesting alternative to suggest for your little bathroom buddy. Because I just can't kill a living thing, I will come to your home and remove him for you *IF* perhaps instead of death you agree to donate your growling little friend to a new type of 'working/service animal' program we've recently developed. While it's commonly known that most arachnids do not make cuddly pets, they make excellent surveillance creatures. We will completely train and outfit your spunky 8 legged friend to carry his own micro camera and recording device. Given time and with the right motivations, why, your spider could be working in the highest government offices around the world! Gizzards would not be necessary - I do this out of love. Please consider it. Oh, and...

Happy Birthday!

Just Tracy


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 21:16:23 -0800 (PST)
From: Art Kabelowsky
Subject: Your little problem

Richard Gere jammed a gerbil up his ass in the name of
sexual gratification.

Now it is your turn.

Hinty "Don't forget to tie a string around it" Sen


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:48:33 -0800 (PST)
From: Miss Erika

Happy Birthday, Special Person

My Silly Pet Spider

This is not my first pet spider either. I had one shortly after you know who walked out of my life and took the dog, a more convential pet. The house, however, I clung to. At least for a few months. Between my howls of dispair & dance practice, I had a Spider. It was well behaved and followed my rules.


1) Stay out of My Bed
2) Stay out of the Kitchen
3) Stay out of the Bathtub

...& I'll let you live. A House Spider will generally listen to you & follow your rules when you lay down the law. After all- It likes to be warm & dry like you do and so it is willing to give up the previously enjoyed pillows and hot baths of it's youth and settle down in your hall and eat bugs and lesser spiders. The rules must stated out loud. Three times & in the presence of the Spider. Do NOT threaten it with your slipper as you speak the rules. This Shit Works! they listen...

Anyway- I would get sad when my Spider was not in its normal spot on the hallway wall. Sometimes it would be gone for days and I would be lonely. I would call for it. I would check the wall in the morning...when I came home from work. Aaahhh there he is! Finally- I couldn't afford to pay double rent (and the Spider's rent was really trade not monitary) & I moved.

That was 1999-2000 and 2 states away in Boulder, Colorado- I 've actually blocked out much of what I did those months. Spider passed no Judgement when I had macho houseguests and photo shoots in the bathroom. Just me & Flash. Me & the Flash. Nose Packed & Wild eyed.

Current Spider is big and black. The only other live being in my apartment. When I first signed the lease on my place and got my keys, I went into the bedroom and sprawled like a starfish on the wood floor . I kinda wish I still had it empty like that too; All echo-ey and pristine. Lying on the floor using a papertowel roll as a pillow, I ponder change. On the ceiling is Spider #2 on my life, directly above me. He looks chill. I fall asleep for 5 hours. It's Dark when I wake up.

(don't kill the spider)

Yesterday in email my friend said I was "really out there." That got me thinking. Am I really noticably out there or just mildly eccentric? So that brings me full circle to the rest of My Pet Spider post which was only partially completed. When I was in Hawaii- I realized that I might be "really out there" while telling this story to 2 of my Mom's friends. The listened quite attentively.

Back to the Rules:

Stay out of my Bed!
stay out of my Bath!
Stay out of my Kitchen! And I will let you live. Spiders WILL listen.

Then you are able to co-habitate with a friendly arachnid. It has a job to do after all. Respect for day's hard work. Fat & happy.

I moved into my place with one big black spider. No bugs at all! Good Spider, right? Almost. He developed a crush on me. Whatever room I was in the Spider would be hanging out nearby. I would always acknowledge him but sometimes dammit, I like to be alone. I had a little chat with it. For instance- one night I had prepared a little tray (Dinner/cigarettes/ashtray/remote/book/periodical/lighter/napkin) and settled in for cozy cozy lazy bed time lounging.

I started with my book. Lying on top of my bed I saw Spider directly above me on the ceiling- somewhat active. Now Spider was obeying the rules, but pushing it. I didn't want it to launch a thread and repell onto my face so I moved to the far end of the bed. Spider moved directly above me. I moved to the far end of my bed and read a few pages of my book. Feeling paranoid, I looked up. Spider. Now I am getting sort of hysterical- telling the spider that it was crazy- to go to the corner where good spiders hang out. Finally I went to the last & fourth corner of my bed and sure enough. Spider. Enough! I reminded Spider of The Rules & giving up on book/ movie and Vanity Fair magazine- flipped off the light went to bed. I can fall asleep under most any circumstance.

I had Sunday dinner with my parents and told them about my crazy Spider. "Amazing" they said and agreed with me that Spider was crushing. My Father warned if I was "Too Sweet" I would get bit. A very Dad kind of thing to say. My Mother asked other questions "like was I sure it wasn't having babies in my closet?"

After I drove back home I prepared myself for bed. I make my bed very prettily every day with the six girly pillows propped and primped. Guess Who was perched on the very center of the very center white embroidered pillow on my BED! Breaking all the Rules (the little shit was) and damned if it didn't freakin' wave 2 little spider legs at me like "Hi MOM!" I said "Spider! Bad Spider" it didn't move. It sort of sat back on the pillow and looked very very comfortable. I grabbed the pillow & shook it in the hall. It hung on for dear life- still center on my prettiest boudiour pillow. Finally it shook off and it hid under a doorway. It sulked there for 3 days.

A couple days later I relayed the story to my Mother while in the living room on the couch. She was floored. I don't think she really believed me that Spider was pet material. I bet she though I was a little "woo-ooo" as she would say. As I was telling her I happened to look up. Oh. MY. GOD! I was freaking-out laughing while Mom was "What! What?-ing on the other line." Spider had come out of hiding and was in the corner of the living room by me basking in the attention. After my cleaning lady came (she's monthly) I never saw black Spider again. Miriam has her own way and maybe Spider was in the bathtub or something. I miss him.

I had a new spider or so I thought. This one was blond & I am not so partial to light colored spiders. I think they're kind of creepy. Two days before Hawaii I had a HUGE bite on my side- it swoll past quarter size & I was pissed. It hurt! Fuck this spider, I thought. I saw it in the bathroom later and I fucking killed it.

I am so sweet.

This was the story I told my Mother's wide-eyed friends. Since it is fact- how come I felt like a crazy person after I told it? Thank god for cigarettes. I went "out there" and smoked one.




From: "Trouble Maker"
Subject: Happy Freakin' Birthday, Dude
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:56:08 -0800
X-OriginalArrivalTime: 14 Feb 2004 01:56:08.0765 (UTC) FILETIME=[B6D426D0:01C3F29D]

Um, happy birthday -- that's all I can give ya. I ain't comin' all the way up from San Francisco just to kill your little spider, ya wimp.

Now, listen to me ... Go in the kitchen. Put on the oven mitts (to protect your hands). Then, go get the frying pan. Now, make sure that you are taking tiny steps so as to not disturb the spider. Walk slowly to the bathtub -- remember, no noise. Then, raise the frying pan high above you ... and then bring it down on your head, because if you're too scared to kill a little spider, there's no hope for you.

Just kidding. Have fun on this special day. Your friend must really like you a lot to pull this one off. Which means that you must mean the world to him -- and friendship, in these rough times, is hard to come by. I wish you both a great weekend.


Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 22:08:37 -0800
From: Krista Gurko
Subject: Barking Spiders sing...

Happy Birthday!

I hope Chicken Hed can come and eat your spider, sort of like the woman who ate a fly... and no one ever figured out why. Hmmm. Perhaps spiders taste like chicken? Or maybe field roast?

Anyway, be rid your spider and enjoy a showering of JOY from your fondling

Happy new year with AIRFLO and many late nite Ciders, Spiders, and Happy Goats.

Hugs, bugs, pecks, and bleats,



Finally, Matt placed his own ad as a response:

From: darwinman1
Subject: I KILLED THAT SPIDER - m4w - 27 (Seattle)

Original URL:
Posted by:
Posted on: 2004-02-13, 5:50PM

I had been thinking about this all day. I'm 27, I'm all grown up now. If I can't kill that spider today....when will I be able to.

So I did it. I went home, grabbed a baseball bat and a few throwing stars, jumped in the bathroom and declared war.

The spider was ready for me. After growing to the size of a fucking basketball from feeding on my roommates hair and soapscum for a few days, it was a sizeable opponent.

He lunged, I dodged, he jabbed, I moved. I took a swing with the bat, but missed. Instead I hit the shower head and a bottle of shampoo out the window and into the neighbor's yard. The spider did not relent. I took another swing, this time catching a few legs which were quickly dismembered.

Yet the spider did not relent. It fired a wad of webby goo at my baseball bat, imprisoning it against the wall. I grabbed my throwing stars and fired away 1-2-3!!!! One in each eye and one severing its abdomen. The spider hobbled, continuing toward me, but now clearly defeated. It oozed an unholy liquid from its jowles and died.

"Oh fraptious day, calloo callay!" I chortled in my joy.

Alas, today I am a man

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around Seattle

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