Living the Wally Lifestyle
Responses to the birthday prank
February 14, 2004
Well, Matt recieved over 100 responses to the birthday prank. As an added bonus, I am including some of the better responses.
Please don't let anyone come over and kill it. I will come over and capture
Hope your Birthday is Wild and NaKEd and Spider Free.
There is a much better solution that killing it outright. That's just mean.
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 16:15:07 -0800
I'm just glad you didn't bring this up in a meeting. Wouldn't that be great,
I know life can be challenging. Seeing that you are now 27 I would hope you
Fear is a pisser. But what is worse is some dude who needs to make up some
Subject: Please kill the spider in my bathtub - m4w - 27
I have a big bat.
And it's just sitting in my closet waiting to be used.
And I love chicken gizzards.
And Bud Light is my favorite.
I'll come and smash that spider for you.
I'll smash it so good and it will be dead! Legs will fly all over the bathroom. Hairs will fly all over the bathroom, Just wait until that exoskeleton explodes and guts will spray out all over.
And if it's really as big as you say it is, maybe we can cook up the legs and dip them in butter.
Just send me your phone number and I'll be right over. I love doing the dirty work.
Have a really good birthday.
I love spiders and would love to help you while you are in the shower.
I am the chairperson of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Arachnids and I must protest your posting on Craigslist.
Spiders, and other arachnids are valuable memebers of our ecosystem. They usually, but not always, eat malicious pests thereby protecting the environment from said pests.
I strongly urge you to reconsider your request.
Spiders are your friends.
Hello, I am into spiders too. Here's a copy of my personal ad. Please be respectful and reply only if interested. I live in the Tacoma area but don't mind driving. Heh heh. Do you have piercings? I have fifteen! Maybe we can meet for coffee sometime.
Rope me, milk me, feed me!
Ciaa! Hope to hear from you soon, Spider-boy. ;-)
I got's a vicious barking spider that can kick your dilema spiders ass!
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:46:58 -0800 (PST)
That's it. No, really. I need you to kill the spider. He's been there for
In return I will thank you, I will buy you a beer, I will even take you
This thing is huge, so you better bring a baseball bat.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
Gosh, this is a weird coincidence....I happen to LOVE insects ( see my
Okay, I'm clutching at straws here, but what if I come over in my Brazilian
When you're totally relaxed, we'll work together to get you to step INTO the
Maybe we'll like each other, who knows, if you are eternally grateful to me
Please let me know if this interests you.
Eagerly awaiting your reply - LadyBee
Man, it must really suck being you. It creeps me out to know there is a sissy boy like you wandering the planet unable to stomp a spider. What is your fucking problem ass-munch?
Are you afraid you'll get spider guts on your Puma?
Are you afraid the spider will crawl up your skirt?
Your parents must be proud to know they whelped a tasteless crack junkie like you.
I'd come over with the bat to take care of your little spider, but I'd be too tempted to kiss you upside the cranium as well. Then who would buy the beers?
Have a happy birthday and don't drink too much. Chances are you'll find yourself power vomiting at the toilet and that spider will crawl out of the tub and fuck you in the ass!!!
What the fuck? Don't you have any balls? Just go in their and SQUASH the little fucker. You should be showered with tar and be forced into a room filled with spiders.
I wish you a very Happy Birthday!!!!
I am so happy you finally rid of the bloody spider!!! :)
Hey ▄ber Wuss,
Adjust those Coke-Bottle glasses you're wearing and look at what's really
Forget the beer! Forget the chicken gizzards! Take me out for some Haggis!
BTW, Happy Birthday!
If you could be so kind as to help ascertain which species of spider you might be housing, i can begin the process of determining the proper place to release it, depending on available mates and food sources.
I need someone to come over to my house and kill the spider in my bathtub.
That's it. No, really. I need you to kill the spider. He's been there for days and I think he's getting bigger. I can't shower with him in the tub. I can't even use the toilet because he growls at me.
In return I will thank you, I will buy you a beer, I will even take you out for chicken gizzards. But first I need you to kill the spider.
This thing is huge, so you better bring a baseball bat.
From: "Tracy Clark"
I have an interesting alternative to suggest for your little bathroom buddy. Because I just can't kill a living thing, I will come to your home and remove him for you *IF* perhaps instead of death you agree to donate your growling little friend to a new type of 'working/service animal' program we've recently developed. While it's commonly known that most arachnids do not make cuddly pets, they make excellent surveillance creatures. We will completely train and outfit your spunky 8 legged friend to carry his own micro camera and recording device. Given time and with the right motivations, why, your spider could be working in the highest government offices around the world! Gizzards would not be necessary - I do this out of love. Please consider it. Oh, and...
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 21:16:23 -0800 (PST)
Richard Gere jammed a gerbil up his ass in the name of
Now it is your turn.
Hinty "Don't forget to tie a string around it" Sen
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:48:33 -0800 (PST)
This is not my first pet spider either. I had one shortly after you know who walked out of my life and took the dog, a more convential pet. The house, however, I clung to. At least for a few months. Between my howls of dispair & dance practice, I had a Spider. It was well behaved and followed my rules.
1) Stay out of My Bed
...& I'll let you live. A House Spider will generally listen to you & follow your rules when you lay down the law. After all- It likes to be warm & dry like you do and so it is willing to give up the previously enjoyed pillows and hot baths of it's youth and settle down in your hall and eat bugs and lesser spiders. The rules must stated out loud. Three times & in the presence of the Spider. Do NOT threaten it with your slipper as you speak the rules. This Shit Works! they listen...
Anyway- I would get sad when my Spider was not in its normal spot on the hallway wall. Sometimes it would be gone for days and I would be lonely. I would call for it. I would check the wall in the morning...when I came home from work. Aaahhh there he is! Finally- I couldn't afford to pay double rent (and the Spider's rent was really trade not monitary) & I moved.
That was 1999-2000 and 2 states away in Boulder, Colorado- I 've actually blocked out much of what I did those months. Spider passed no Judgement when I had macho houseguests and photo shoots in the bathroom. Just me & Flash. Me & the Flash. Nose Packed & Wild eyed.
Current Spider is big and black. The only other live being in my apartment. When I first signed the lease on my place and got my keys, I went into the bedroom and sprawled like a starfish on the wood floor . I kinda wish I still had it empty like that too; All echo-ey and pristine. Lying on the floor using a papertowel roll as a pillow, I ponder change. On the ceiling is Spider #2 on my life, directly above me. He looks chill. I fall asleep for 5 hours. It's Dark when I wake up.
Back to the Rules:
Stay out of my Bed!
Then you are able to co-habitate with a friendly arachnid. It has a job to do after all. Respect for day's hard work. Fat & happy.
I moved into my place with one big black spider. No bugs at all! Good Spider, right? Almost. He developed a crush on me. Whatever room I was in the Spider would be hanging out nearby. I would always acknowledge him but sometimes dammit, I like to be alone. I had a little chat with it. For instance- one night I had prepared a little tray (Dinner/cigarettes/ashtray/remote/book/periodical/lighter/napkin) and settled in for cozy cozy lazy bed time lounging.
I started with my book. Lying on top of my bed I saw Spider directly above me on the ceiling- somewhat active. Now Spider was obeying the rules, but pushing it. I didn't want it to launch a thread and repell onto my face so I moved to the far end of the bed. Spider moved directly above me. I moved to the far end of my bed and read a few pages of my book. Feeling paranoid, I looked up. Spider. Now I am getting sort of hysterical- telling the spider that it was crazy- to go to the corner where good spiders hang out. Finally I went to the last & fourth corner of my bed and sure enough. Spider. Enough! I reminded Spider of The Rules & giving up on book/ movie and Vanity Fair magazine- flipped off the light went to bed. I can fall asleep under most any circumstance.
I had Sunday dinner with my parents and told them about my crazy Spider. "Amazing" they said and agreed with me that Spider was crushing. My Father warned if I was "Too Sweet" I would get bit. A very Dad kind of thing to say. My Mother asked other questions "like was I sure it wasn't having babies in my closet?"
After I drove back home I prepared myself for bed. I make my bed very prettily every day with the six girly pillows propped and primped. Guess Who was perched on the very center of the very center white embroidered pillow on my BED! Breaking all the Rules (the little shit was) and damned if it didn't freakin' wave 2 little spider legs at me like "Hi MOM!" I said "Spider! Bad Spider" it didn't move. It sort of sat back on the pillow and looked very very comfortable. I grabbed the pillow & shook it in the hall. It hung on for dear life- still center on my prettiest boudiour pillow. Finally it shook off and it hid under a doorway. It sulked there for 3 days.
A couple days later I relayed the story to my Mother while in the living room on the couch. She was floored. I don't think she really believed me that Spider was pet material. I bet she though I was a little "woo-ooo" as she would say. As I was telling her I happened to look up. Oh. MY. GOD! I was freaking-out laughing while Mom was "What! What?-ing on the other line." Spider had come out of hiding and was in the corner of the living room by me basking in the attention. After my cleaning lady came (she's monthly) I never saw black Spider again. Miriam has her own way and maybe Spider was in the bathtub or something. I miss him.
I had a new spider or so I thought. This one was blond & I am not so partial to light colored spiders. I think they're kind of creepy. Two days before Hawaii I had a HUGE bite on my side- it swoll past quarter size & I was pissed. It hurt! Fuck this spider, I thought. I saw it in the bathroom later and I fucking killed it.
I am so sweet.
This was the story I told my Mother's wide-eyed friends. Since it is fact- how come I felt like a crazy person after I told it? Thank god for cigarettes. I went "out there" and smoked one.
From: "Trouble Maker"
Um, happy birthday -- that's all I can give ya. I ain't comin' all the way up from San Francisco just to kill your little spider, ya wimp.
Now, listen to me ... Go in the kitchen. Put on the oven mitts (to protect your hands). Then, go get the frying pan. Now, make sure that you are taking tiny steps so as to not disturb the spider. Walk slowly to the bathtub -- remember, no noise. Then, raise the frying pan high above you ... and then bring it down on your head, because if you're too scared to kill a little spider, there's no hope for you.
Just kidding. Have fun on this special day. Your friend must really like you a lot to pull this one off. Which means that you must mean the world to him -- and friendship, in these rough times, is hard to come by. I wish you both a great weekend.
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 22:08:37 -0800
I hope Chicken Hed can come and eat your spider, sort of like the woman who ate a fly... and no one ever figured out why. Hmmm. Perhaps spiders taste like chicken? Or maybe field roast?
Anyway, be rid your spider and enjoy a showering of JOY from your fondling
Happy new year with AIRFLO and many late nite Ciders, Spiders, and Happy Goats.
Finally, Matt placed his own ad as a response:
I had been thinking about this all day. I'm 27, I'm all grown up now. If I can't kill that spider today....when will I be able to.
So I did it. I went home, grabbed a baseball bat and a few throwing stars, jumped in the bathroom and declared war.
The spider was ready for me. After growing to the size of a fucking basketball from feeding on my roommates hair and soapscum for a few days, it was a sizeable opponent.
He lunged, I dodged, he jabbed, I moved. I took a swing with the bat, but missed. Instead I hit the shower head and a bottle of shampoo out the window and into the neighbor's yard. The spider did not relent. I took another swing, this time catching a few legs which were quickly dismembered.
Yet the spider did not relent. It fired a wad of webby goo at my baseball bat, imprisoning it against the wall. I grabbed my throwing stars and fired away 1-2-3!!!! One in each eye and one severing its abdomen. The spider hobbled, continuing toward me, but now clearly defeated. It oozed an unholy liquid from its jowles and died.
"Oh fraptious day, calloo callay!" I chortled in my joy.
Alas, today I am a man
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