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100 Foot Snake Recorded in Borneo!

February 20, 2009

Two photos have recently surfaced showing the legendary 100-Foot Borneo Monster.

There has been a legend told to Borneoeans that a 100 foot snake called a Nabau lives in the Baleh river, deep in the heart of Borneo. It has been described as a dragon-like, shape-shifting sea serpent, which eats little kids bad little boys and girls who don't listen to their parents. This rumor has persisted for hundreds of years, but there has never been any physical proof to it's existence.

Until Now.

Recently, two different photographs from members of a disaster team who were monitoring conditions during a flood captured photos of the giant snake.

These are the pictures of the creature:
Borneo Monster Snake

Borneo Monster Snake

People are wondering if these pictures are real or fakes. The answer is emphatically yes, these photos are fakes. You'd have to be half a fucking idiot to believe these photos are anything but photochopped. So I decided to proactively post proof to help debunk these claims of a monster snake living in a river.

How can I tell it's fake, you ask?

My proof will be a photo of the Northern Water Snake.

Borneo Monster Snake

As you should be able to tell by the photo, this is a picture of an actual snake in an actual body of fresh water. You will notice the snake is mostly submerged. This is due to the buoyancy of the water and the density of the snake. If you look at photos of snakes in water, such as constrictors, they are mostly under water. The same is true for most mammals such as the whale, seals and even swimming fat people. Most of their mass is below the surface of the water.

In both photos, the Borneo Monster is floating completely above the water in a way other snakes do not.

Borneo Monster Snake

Further proof is the second photo. Look at the way the snake seems to have a wake coming off it's body in two different places. A snake swimming in water throws off a serpentine wake. The wake in the photochopped picture looks more like a wake from a boat towing a water skier. And trust me, if I could go water skiing behind a giant snake, I would be organizing snake skiing expeditions and letting Jobe and Herb O'Brien battle for the rights to have their skiis used in the venture.

I'll even go one step further. If you or I had such a photo, you'd certainly want a photo credit. You'd want to be the person who goes down in history as providing photographic evidence of a 100 foot snake. You'd get to do the talk show circuit, hob knob with the tin foil hat crowd and be a guest on Coast to Coast. Fame and glory would be yours. So how come nobody has stepped forward to admit they took the photos?

Debunking this myth is not without it's downsides. Personally, I would love it if such a creature did exist. Imagine the fun of knowing somewhere in the world there is a snake so big it can eat you whole. Well, it could eat most of you whole, it might struggle a bit with me.

Alas, I am so positive these photos of the Borneo Monster Snake are faked that if it is proven to be real, I will personally sit down and eat a large order of fries. It is my solemn promise to you, my half-crazed readers.

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