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CrushLab: The Most Painfully Boring Thing I have Done In Years

February 24, 2007

A few friends of mine had what seemed to be a great idea for a Friday night. We were going to go to Crush Lab, a new type of activity for singles. I have to say the description sounded really fun. "How often do we set aside specific time to flirt?" Not enough time, I thought. Imagine, an evening for flirtatious fun that might lead to something, but more important, it sounds like an evening full of interesting conversation.

My god, I was painfully wrong about CrushLab.

CrushLab is the most painfully boring thing I have done in years. I'm serious. I have been tricked into attending Amway sales lectures, crazy cult religious services, I even had a cousin who lied to me to get me to go to her bible camp with her with the promise it wasn't about Christianity, which it was.

Crush Lab is speed dating. Don't believe the bullshit descriptions. It's speed dating with people who are not as painfully boring as the crap sitcoms ridicule on TV, but at least with an event like that, you will meet accountants, lawyer, sales managers and other people who are painfully boring, but at least they have money. In the brief time I was there, I met a cab driver from Portland, a drummer who delivers pizza and an actual acupuncturist. Acupuncture is the new massage therapist, which was the new Web Developer back in the boom years of the Internet bubble. In other words, it's a great profession to go into if you want to spend a lot of money getting a degree which will net you no customers because the field is completely saturated. Hey ladies, would you like to drop $20 on a cover charge to have a talk with a pizza delivering drummer? I had no idea how you could make dating events more painful, but Michael Vavricek, you found a way.

Here is how the evening works:

You speed date for a while. Wee, how fun.

At the end of this time, you get to sit through a painfully long, under-amplified, under-lit lame-assed version of the Dating Game I have ever seen. I would have thought it was some sort of comedy sketch, but the lack of punchlines indicates that it was naturally this bad. Hey Michael, here's a way to make it even more boring. Have the people reading questions talk into their cue card and not project to the audience and when the other contestants respond, have them talk into their hand and at the same time, play background music for no damn reason at all. No wait, thats exactly what happened.

Next you get to go on mini dates with the person you might have found exciting. You get to snuggle on a folding chair and watch an episode of "Greg the Bunny". After all, few things can are as romantic and a turn on like an episode of Greg the Bunny, a show so great it was cancelled after 11 episodes of appalling ratings.

Michael Vavricek, I have lost all respect for you. I am using your name in this to warn people away from Crush Lab or any other terrible venture you undertake. I wasted $40 for gas, cover charge, booze I was forced to buy and bridge toll. I can't put a dollar value on the few hours of my life that are gone forever and I will never get them back.

If an event is happening at Mission Control at 2519 Mission, San Francisco, CA, you have been warned it will be a painful waste of your life.

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