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Gallery of Humor: Christmas

Christmas Jokes

Naughty jokes for Christmas time!

Q: What's the perfect Christmas gift for the person who has everything?
A: A broad spectrum antibiotic.

Q: Why do women love Santa Claus?
A: He comes only once a year, but when he does, he fills their stockings!

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper that sold his soul to Santa?

We were so poor when I was young that we couldn't afford ornaments for our Christmas tree. We had to sit around and wait for Grandpa to sneeze.

Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.

All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Q: What does Santa call reindeer that don't work?
A: Dinner.

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Q: Did you ever hear of Adolph the brown-nosed reindeer?
A: He could run as fast as Rudolf, he just couldn't stop as fast.

Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?

A: They both have ornamental balls.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q: What do you call 12 days of blowjobs during the holiday season?
A: Hanukah Lewinski

A little boy had been waiting in a long line to sit on Saint Nick's lap. He finally gets his shot and climbs up. Santa says, (touching the little boy on the nose with his finger) "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."

The boy shakes his head, "No."

Santa touches the little boy on the nose with his finger again. "Well," he says, "I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."

The boy again shakes his head, "No."

So then Santasays, "Well what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"

The Boy says, "I want some pussy!"

Santa is startled & almost speechless. "W-w-well, little Boy, Ho, Ho, Ho, I don't have any of that!"

The Boy reaches over and touches Saint Nick on nose. "Yes you do Santa, because I can smell it on your fingers!"

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: How do you know you're a redneck?
A: Your truck has a nativity scene on the dashboard.

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