Some people are blessed to be in contact with their fairy godmothers, I see you are good friends with the loser fairy.

Don't let the door hit you on the ass when you're leaving.

You deserve every single crappy moment of your day.

Your stream of thought is about as useful as a hot stream of my urine coating the door handle of your car.

To be honest, I can't understand a damn thing you are saying, but that's OK. When Gandhi was young, nobody really understood what he was saying, but eventually they listened to what he said and they finally got around to killing him, so good luck!

What prevents you from gagging on your own vomit each and every moment you articulate one of your so-called thoughts?

Isn't it dangerous to use all of your vocabulary in one sentence?

You know, the fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

Your broken logic has been picked apart more than your mother during fleet week.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but i can't get my head that far up my ass.

I bet you slow down for car wrecks, dontcha?

Do you get a special prize for dropping $10.00 words in conversation?

I bet that attitude of yours was really cool back in high school.

Are you trying to use some sort of secret code to confess your feelings for me?

You know I am trying to imagine you with a personality, but nothing is coming to mind.

Are you still paying off your student loans to poser school?

Are you always such a ray of sunshine or is today really special?

It is so nice that you like to set aside quality time to humiliate yourself in public.

You are a deranged mentally ill derelict.

Hey Fecal Farms just called. They have another load of bullshit for your ego.

Listening to you only validates my belief that you need to seek therapeutic treatment.

OK, you win. Can I just walk away now?

Talking to you is like getting a blowjob. Not the orgasm, just the mess.

You are a real asset to humanity. Well, forget the "set" part.

That is so ironic. You sound just like my dad would have said if he ever turned psychotic and was drunk off his ass.

The Jerk store called. They're all out of you again.

If I wanted you to be around me and making me miserable, I would already married you.

I shudder at the thought that you are capable of breeding. Thank goodness your personality acts as a birth control device.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Could you save your little attitude for the paying customers?

I didn't think the clowns at the circus actually talked.

You know, I can tell from simply talking to you that you must have the most attractive tiny penis.

You must really understand women since your last serious relation ship was with a women old enough to be your grandmother. It is so nice of you to take out psycho menopausal ladies. I hate to see those women thrown to the curb when they can still walk without a cane.

Your work in the field of sex for the unattractive is inspirational, even to those of us capable of a regular sex life.

It's a shame all of your talent is going to waste working at K-Mart.

Don't you have to have talent in order to have an ego?

It doesn't bother me that my whole family thinks that you, my boyfriend, are gay. It just means they appreciate your feminine side.

You are so cool. I think talking to you is giving me goosebumps.
[checking arm]
Nope.

If you were not too busy crafting your fancy ego buffing e-mail rant as some sort of masturbatory self aggrandizement, you might have noticed that nobody likes you.

What a wonderful example of redneck love.

I cannot even go near you, because I would have to reach through all of the ick that surrounds you.

Be a good little boy and scurry back to your hole. Daddy does not wish those games right now.

Man, that is so sad. The boy can get on his hands and knees mewling like a cat in heat and rotate his rear in a seductive fashion all he wants and there will be no takers.

I know you have homophobia problems thanks to ol' mom, but you really should let them go. I mean, if you're meant to munch rug, why fight it?

I know you have homophobia problems thanks to dear old dad, but you really should let them go. I mean, if you're meant to be a pole smoker, why fight it?

Nothing makes me laugh as hard in a juvenile manner as telling other people your anecdotes. Well nothing but alcohol, gases, drugs or maybe a dog licking my taint. You get the picture...

You're a douchebag and you should cut the flow of oxygen to your brain.

The only way you could get a piece of ass is if you posed as a toilet seat.

Another night of jerking off alone? Well at least you know how to play to your strengths.

You're a douchebag and I love you for it.

I bet you would make a very good dog. Not because I think you're loyal, but because I bet you love a good bone.

Boy are you cranky. What's wrong? Did you wake up on the wrong side of your cousin?

Your shit is so tired it could sleep through a pack of mating dingos.

You are like one of those guys that you never remember from High School, but racks up great achievements like becoming the manager of the Jiffy Lube.

Here's a game you might enjoy. It's called hide and go fuck yourself.

The only reason you are alive and talking is that technically it is illegal to kill you and put you out of our misery.

Why are you even talking?

Your entire philosophy is a bunk corporate hand job.

Stop breathing my air.

Yay! You win!

I don't remember asking you a god damn thing!

Your mouthwash...it ain't makin' it.

You are about as useful as Sandy Duncan's right eye.

You are incontinent pond scum.

I need you like I need a liquid fart in my pants.

Look, just because you prefer to be against the world in general doesn't mean you get to work out your "issues" with me.

What am I, flypaper for freaks??

You are truly a waste of flesh.

Jimminy stinking crickets, do you eat with that mouth?

If I throw a stick, will you leave me alone?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet the scientific name is hard to pronounce.

What an absolute horror it must be to wake up each morning and simply still be you.

I understand that people who've grown up in abusive homes often confuse abuse with love.

Dad, your drunk, go home.

You know, you make in an hour what I make at work in the bathroom while taking a shit.

Man, it must really suck being you.

Fuck you ass monkey. If I wanted any sympathy from you, I would have fucked your sister for the five bucks you promised.

Did you eat lots of paste as a kid?

Do you do children's parties?

You suck.

Here's a dollar. Go buy some thicker skin.

It must be nice to be so free of the ravages of intelligence.

You're the smartest person I know.

You're a lot like Wally, only more so.

Yer lame. Ppphht, and furthermore, ppphht.

You are so cool. I live forever in the shadow of your big fat ass.

What a blessing it is that you work so hard with computers. It means you have less time to breed.

Someone like you deserves a good ass-raping. But with our luck, you'd get knocked up and the last thing the world needs is to conceive another lawyer.

You are a nothing more than a bloated, septic waste of hydrocarbons not worthy of igniting with a match.

Your whining and mewling interfere with my experience like a flock of sea birds strangling on six-pack rings in a gill net.

Your pathetic pleas for on-stage adulation and six-year-old humor make you a point of ridicule.

If you are still having problems getting that device to work you should find yourself a few snot-nosed sixth graders willing to hold your hand. You'll have to convince them you're not pedophile first, so best of luck to you.

I hope to run into you again sometime—when I'm driving.

You keep blowing so many opportunities, it's like watching retards pitching balls at a dunk tank during Special Olympics.

I'd embrace you in some sort of brotherly love thing, but to be honest, my skin is already crawling at the thought of spending time with you in the same county.

The concept of friends is where you greet people in a nice manner and not grab a shotgun and pepper the air with buckshot out of fear the person is yet another neighbor coming by to savagely ass-rape your trash-eating goat.

Don't take this ass-whuppin' personally.

You are a delusional corporate shill regurgitating hack philosophies from scab-infected worms.

I can read you like a comic book.

Another brilliant intellect speaks. Speak boy, speak. Good dog.

[Opponent] I have never met a bigger asshole in my life.
[You] You should take a good hard look in the mirror sometime.

You are as intellectually stimulating as a bullet to the brain.

Lick my fuzzy taint.

Lick my sweaty taint.

Every time you get on a sugar high, you start rutting on the keyboard like a chimp on crank hoping I'll come home and fuck you. I'll fuck you when I am damn good and ready. Beg all you want but sometimes I have to get loaded before I can stomach the thought of being excited by the view of your puss-ridden, rose colored asslips and have another round of Willy Wonka in the Chocolate Factory.

Be a good little girl and roll over, spread your cheeks and think of England or specifically my gland.

You are like background noise from an advertisers convention.

You are like some sort of herpes sore that surfaces just before an orgy full of the people you see in racy calendars. You have no reason to exist except to fuck up the party.

Go fester far away from me.

Go back inside the broken condom that spawned you.

You had nothing to say and you said it too loud.

I can't compete with your fabled wit.

You are a very modest person with much to be modest about.

You're a mommas boy, still leaving at home sucking her teet. you have been given everything. you aren't ready to call yourself a man yet.

You couldn't get pussy at a cat show.

You think I'm pathetic? May I remind you that you are choosing to argue with me.

You'd cornhole anything with a hairy taint and a sac dangling between. You fluffy haired cocksucker.

Why are you such a tired, hackneyed, banal, broken-down mouthpiece?

Your voice is creepy and you sound like a rapist.

Let me guess, you're not fat, you prefer to think of yourself as "Costco-sized."

Little men are so cute. They remind me of leprechauns and teeny tiny fairies.

Not to worry. All the ladies will tell you it's not the size of the pen, but the penmanship.

Is it me or did it just get fatter in here?

[Opponent] When did you get so fat?
[You] You know what? You are right, I am fat. But you my friend are ugly. And I can always lose weight.

You are ugly and that's sad.

You are as cute as a bag of smashed assholes.

Holy shit you're fat! Does McDonald's throw you a birthday party?

You are a brain-dead delusional quarterwit.

I'm sure the lardiest of the lardasses here would still pale in comparison to that two-ton cow you call a wife.

When you pee, do you have to lean way forward to see where you're aiming it at? Or do you just kinda hold the gut in one hand, and your dick in the other?

Talking with you is so refreshing. Usually one has to go to a bowling alley for this kind of intellectual stimulation.

If brains were boats, you would be just a little dinghy.

I really like you. You remind me so much of what I was like when I was young and stupid.

You sound so reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

You are like the village drunk from some early Irish novel, just not as articulate.

You are not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?

They bought you books, they sent you to school, and what do you do? You eat the pages.

It's sad that you are depriving some poor village of an idiot.

I can't believe out of 500 million sperm you were the fastest.

It just shocks me to know you are from the state in the union with the lowest SAT scores...

Tell me, do small minded people like you get into movies for the children's rate?

I have to go. I'd love to rip apart your shallow logic you call a point, but the American Disabilities Act forbids picking on the retarded.

You are dumber than I tell people!

You are so incredibly inept that I am surprised the pressure of the air itself hasn't caved in your skull.

You are like a vortex of stupidity.

You have the abilities of an overexcited autistic.

You sound like a dimwitted parrot.

Why do I bother with you? Even the losers I would never acknowledge avoid you because you're nothing. You're not even a troll.

The most intelligent thing to come out of your mouth would be a skanky drag queen's semen, but only if they lowered their standards to a level of desperation like, "I need to fuck something, anything." Even cranked out, most of them only stoop as low as Libertarians.

Cut the attitude crap, junior. You are out of your depth in your own smut puddle.

This guy is as sharp as a cat. You can point to a horny, wet & naked hottie on a bed, spread wide in front of him and ready for action and he will stare at your finger. Just like a cat.

You are so gullible. If you looked up gullible in the dictionary, there is a picture of you naked with the caption, "are you sure there is no film in the camera?"

Is that the best hack line you can do? Oh poor, poor you. To scrape the bottom of the insult barrel so early in the night. You should pop down to Denny's and order up some chicken soup. I think you're about to come down with a nasty case of the suck. You should take care of yourself.

You are the Jehovah's Witness trespassing on the front porch of funny.

Excellent deduction there, Fagatha Christie!

I have two words for you to remember, personal grooming.

Nice haircut. Are you sporting the "Supercuts" style or "Hair Crafters" look?

No one will even notice that your tux pants are too tight and short. They will be too busy looking at you're shiny coat sleeves that are way too long. I bet they are wondering if you are wearing a short sleeve shirt under that jacket as well.

I think it is so sweet that you like to avoid dressing nicely as a personal statement against our society. Is that why you gave up on using soap as well?

You are a tasteless crack junkie.

There is an apparatus is known as a shower. You use it to remove the filth and ass leakage from your body. It is not a good idea to remain unbathed just because the scent of the last german sheppard you shagged is lingering in your shorts.

You truly are a waste of skin.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Look, It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?

I am sure whatever perfume you are wearing is really nice in small doses, so why are you marinating in it?

Did you fall into a vat of perfume or is this stink some kind of mating ritual?

You know. it is so refreshing to meet someone who is not so stuffy as to use the correct silverware and not so uptight that they use a napkin when you can simply use your jeans.

I really like the way you dress. Tell me, where do you get bell bottom shirts to fit over your big fat ass?

Nice shirt. It really shows off your stretch marks.

In this light you can see the glint of venom as it glistens on your
fangs.

You have that timeless beauty that is best enhanced by a burkha.

I am not sure what is leaking from your ass, but it smells like store roasted chicken.